Ask The Expert: Does sex complicate a friendship?

Let’s face it – adding sex to a friendship can make things... complicated. Suddenly, you’re not just friends anymore; there’s a whole new layer of vulnerability and intimacy in the relationship. Can a friendship survive this shift, or does it change everything for good?

In this edition of Ask The Expert, Andrea Tan, Bumble’s relationship expert and founder of Athena Rising, shares advice on navigating this arrangement. From setting boundaries to maintaining honest communication, she offers insights on how to handle this tricky situation – especially if feelings get involved.

Understanding intimacy

With sex, there is an added vulnerability of being naked – not just physically but emotionally – and not all friendships achieve that level of intimacy.

Complications arise when both parties have different ideas of what the friendship should entail, or whether the friendship has entered the space of dating and/or a romantic relationship.

Bumble’s 2024 Dating Trends reveal that a majority of men (76%) and women (83%) in Singapore believe it is essential for their romantic partner to understand both emotional and physical intimacy. This highlights how easily people can question the status of their relationships when the element of sex is introduced.

Setting boundaries

Sex changes the dynamics of how both parties interact. If you’re considering a more intimate relationship with a friend, it’s important to establish and understand new boundaries.

Healthy and open communication is essential in making it work.

This includes discussing future sexual encounters – such as the frequency of interactions, types of activities (e.g. is kissing too intimate?), sharing one’s sexual health history, and whether the arrangement will be exclusive.

It’s also important to ask questions about intention, duration and deal breakers to manage expectations, and prevent any misunderstandings from hurting the friendship.

Is this an exploration of how the friendship could develop, or is it purely about fulfilling intimate desires without the commitment of a relationship? Will this arrangement last for a specific period before you reassess where this exploration might lead, or will you leave it open-ended? (I would caution against the latter, as it can create significant ambiguity in the friendship.)

Finally, are there any deal breakers that could affect the nature of the friendship? For instance, what happens if one party is still seeking a partner and eventually meets someone else?

Navigating complications

What happens if one person starts wanting more from the relationship? This is not uncommon in these situations. A simple way to better understand these feelings is to reach out to your support network for a listening ear or dating advice.

If healthy communication is already established, this is a good time to revisit where you both stand mentally and emotionally in this arrangement.

Be prepared for the possibility that the other party might prefer to maintain the status quo, even if one of you develops feelings and wants more from the relationship. If that’s the case, reflect on your baseline – can you continue the arrangement if your feelings aren’t reciprocated, or would that be a deal breaker for you?

Understand that your perspectives may change over time within the arrangement, making it essential to engage in healthy, open, and occasionally uncomfortable communication to revisit and redefine your boundaries as needed.

My advice is to be honest with yourself and the other person about what you want from this arrangement, rather than getting caught up in the experience.

Andrea Tan is a certified sex, love, and relationship coach. She works with individuals and couples to foster empowered and authentic relationships, integrating sexuality, pleasure, and connection into modern lifestyles.

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