Ask The Expert: How can I validate my friend’s emotions without sounding condescending?

Navigating friendships can be tricky, especially when your friend is going through an emotional struggle. Should you offer advice, or is it better to just listen? The fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can make these moments feel a little overwhelming.

Nur Adam, trauma recovery therapist and relationship coach at The Good Life Counselling, shares her advice on how to offer meaningful support when validating your friend’s emotions.

Listen and be present

When someone shares their struggles with you, they may be seeking comfort, validation, or clarity – or they might simply be processing their thoughts.

Pay attention to their tone and body language to understand their needs, or gently ask, “How can I best support you right now?” or “Would you like advice, or just someone to listen to?”

If they ask for advice, frame your suggestions collaboratively, using phrases like, “Have you considered this approach?” rather than directives like, “You should do this.”

If they don’t ask for advice, resist the urge to fix things. Instead, focus on being present and validating their feelings with statements like, “I can understand why you’d feel this way.”

Ultimately, supporting someone means meeting them where they are, not where you think they should be, and helping them feel seen and heard.

Pause and reflect

Disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean you should stop caring or go into defence mode. Take a moment to pause and reflect on their perspective and what it triggers in you, as disagreements are often rooted in personal values, past experiences, or unresolved emotions.

Once you’ve acknowledged your internal reaction, ground yourself in empathy and curiosity. Instead of trying to convince them, focus on understanding their views and experiences.

Emphasise shared values, such as caring about the same outcome, even if your approaches differ. Avoid invalidating phrases like, “I don’t think that’s right.” Instead, try saying, “I see it differently. Would you be open to hearing my perspective?”

Finally, recognise that it’s okay to agree to disagree. Sometimes, the best way to strengthen a relationship is by honouring each other’s perspectives, even when they don’t align.

Being a supportive friend

Support isn’t about having all the answers – it’s about showing up. Practice active listening without interrupting or rushing to fix things.

Remember to check in regularly, not just during tough times. Friendship is also about celebrating their wins and sharing their joys.

Lastly, know your limits. Support doesn’t mean carrying their burden. Encourage professional help if needed, and remind them that they’re not alone. Helping them find resources can sometimes be the most loving thing you do.

Nur is a trauma recovery therapist and relationship coach at The Good Life Counselling, specialising in inner child healing and nervous system regulation