Ask The Expert: Why do some of us feel more lonely during Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s Day is not an objective measure of love; it’s a cultural script that tells us love should look a certain way – roses, grand gestures, the validation of being chosen. The real question isn’t “Why am I alone?” but “Why do I feel that my worth is tied to my relationship status?”

We often associate loneliness with being single, but it’s much more nuanced than that. Loneliness is about our inner experience and how connected we feel to others, regardless of our relationship status. Even in relationships, loneliness can thrive when emotional connection is absent. Ultimately, it’s the quality of our relationships, not their mere presence, that determines whether we feel lonely.

An unhealthy measure of worth

Society conditions us to believe love is earned, equating singlehood with a lack of worth. But true, nourishing love is not about proving our value. Our purpose, friendships, and confidence define us far more than our relationship status. 

For those in relationships, the pressure to make Valentine’s Day special can highlight existing cracks. The unspoken expectations, the silent disappointments – what is meant to be a day of intimacy can sometimes expose how disconnected two people have become. Loneliness isn’t just about physical absence; it’s about emotional disconnection.

Relational wounds, especially trauma, can make trust, vulnerability, and self-acceptance incredibly difficult. Early experiences of neglect or emotional unavailability shape our ability to form secure relationships. We may excel at supporting others while neglecting our own needs.

Reframing personal narratives

Rewrite the story you tell yourself. Your inner dialogue shapes your experience. Instead of reinforcing painful narratives – “I’ll never find love,” “No one loves me,” or “My partner’s gesture wasn’t grand enough, so they don’t care” – challenge them.

The reality is:

• You are not alone
• Love exists in many forms
• Your life is unfolding now, not on pause

Shift your focus:

• What do I love about my life today?
• Who already brings me joy?
• How can I create meaning on my own terms?

There are also other ways to manage feelings of loneliness and isolation. This can include:

Deepening connections beyond romance. Love isn’t just romantic – it’s found in friendship, community, and self-care. Prioritise meaningful, high-quality relationships – reach out to those who genuinely support you, and nurture bonds built on trust and mutual care.

Acknowledging your feelings, but don’t let them define you. Loneliness is a valid emotion, but it’s not a permanent state. Sit with it, explore it, and remember—feeling lonely today doesn’t mean you always will.

Reclaiming Valentine’s Day as a self-care ritual. Celebrate yourself. Book a massage, start a new tradition, or do something that makes you feel valued. Shift the day’s meaning from what’s missing to what’s possible.

Working through deeper emotional wounds. If Valentine’s Day consistently brings distress, unresolved grief or attachment wounds may be at play. Therapy can help unpack these emotions and build healthier connections

Loneliness isn’t a condition – it’s a message. It signals where we need deeper connection, not just with others, but with ourselves. The most fulfilling relationships come not from seeking someone to complete us, but from arriving whole.