Ask A Sexpert: I’ve never had an earth-shattering orgasm before – is this normal?

Got a burning (no pun intended) sex-related issue you want answered? In Ask A Sexpert, our resident spicy expert Jacqueline Kee of sexual wellness brands Genvie and Hedonist answers all your questions. Still looking for answers? Email us your questions at herworldsocial@sph.com.sg.

As a sex educator, one of the most common questions I hear is, “Why haven’t I had one of those earth-shattering orgasms everyone talks about?” It’s a totally valid question! With movies, media, and the way people hype up orgasms, it can feel like there’s this gold standard you’re supposed to hit. If you’re not reaching it, it can feel like something’s wrong.

But here’s the truth: orgasms are super personal, and there’s no “right” way to experience them. Not every orgasm needs to be fireworks and drama to be meaningful or enjoyable. If you’ve never had one of those mind-blowing moments, it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong. It just means your body and your experiences are unique, and that’s 100% okay. Let’s break it down a bit.

What is an orgasm, really?

Let’s take a minute to break down what an orgasm actually is. At its core, an orgasm is the peak of sexual pleasure, marked by intense sensations, involuntary muscle contractions, and that sweet feeling of release. It’s a natural part of the sexual response cycle and often feels like a rush of ecstasy, though the intensity and quality can vary greatly from person to person.

Some people have those big, knock-your-socks-off orgasms, while others might experience milder, more subtle sensations. Both are perfectly normal and valid experiences. It’s also essential to understand that orgasms are subjective—what feels intense to one person may not feel the same to someone else.

Plus, there’s so much that affects your experience: your mood, your health, your connection with your partner, and even how relaxed you feel in the moment.

Here are a few things that might be getting in the way:

• Lack of knowledge about your own body
• Stress and anxiety
• Emotional connection and trust
• Performance pressure
• Physical factors

These are all incredibly common factors, no matter your gender, so don’t worry if one (or more) resonate with you!

How to enhance your orgasmic experience

There’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach to pleasure, but these tips can help you deepen your connection with your body and discover new ways to elevate your enjoyment:

1. Focus on foreplay

I can’t stress this enough, but foreplay is huge when it comes to having a better orgasm. It can take anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes (sometimes even longer) to really get in the zone, so don’t rush through it. Take your time exploring your own body or your partner’s: touch, kiss, maybe some oral to build that connection and excitement.

And don’t underestimate a good French kiss! A solid make-out session, lasting at least 6-20 seconds, can start releasing those feel-good hormones like endorphins and oxytocin. For a lot of women, longer kissing sessions help them relax, feel emotionally connected, and ease into arousal. The key here is making sure you feel safe and completely relaxed. The more laid-back and varied the build-up, the better your chances of having a satisfying, powerful orgasm when the moment comes.

2. Try different positions

Experimenting with different sexual positions can be a fun way to discover what feels best for your body. Some positions might give you deeper penetration or better clitoral stimulation, which can lead to stronger orgasms—yes, even during period sex! 

3. Communicate with your partner

Don’t be shy about letting your partner know what feels good and what doesn’t. Clear communication is key to a great sexual experience. If you want more pressure, a different angle, or just a little more time to build up, speak up! It’s all about making sure your needs are heard and met so you can both enjoy the experience to the fullest.

4. Avoid focusing on making orgasm the end goal

It’s important to realize that fixating on reaching orgasm can create unnecessary pressure and rob you of the whole experience. Instead, try shifting your focus to enjoying the journey. Fully immerse yourself in the sensations, connection, and intimacy of the moment. Believe me, the journey can be just as rewarding as the destination.

5. Explore solo play

Masturbation is a great way to explore what feels good for you. Many people, especially women, are not fully aware of what feels good for them because they have never explored their own sexual pleasure in depth. Ever heard of the orgasm gap? It’s real. This lack of awareness can make it difficult to know what kind of touch, pressure, or stimulation leads to orgasm.

So, try experimenting with different techniques or types of stimulation, and hey, maybe even introduce some sex toys to see what works best for you. The more you understand your body and your preferences, the easier it is to communicate with your partner, leading to way more satisfying, orgasmic experiences together.

Remember, orgasm is just one part of the sexual experience. There’s a vast world of pleasure to explore, and sometimes the most profound moments come in the quietest, most subtle experiences. Focus on enjoying the journey of sexual pleasure, building intimacy with your partner, and learning what brings you the most joy. Your orgasmic experience is yours to define, and it can be as incredible as you make it.