Breakfast
Yesterday I awoke to find that I had no breakfast vittles in the house. I used up the last of my huge silo of oatmeal last week. I had no eggs. Regrettably, I stole two eggs from my roomates to keep my stomach from digesting itself.
I had to get some food for tomorrow’s breakfast or be doomed to the same thievery for sustainance.
I wanted to do my part for the environment. Eat only local foods. Cutting down on costs and carbon dioxide emissions from long haul shipping.
My friend Josh had the perfect solution. He told me that he found an egg at his work in Boston.
He works in Fort Point, a section right on the harbor that is a large artist community. I hope to have a live/work space here some day. I pass through it on my way to work so it’s perfect for my breakfast/environment cause. A short motorsickle ride and I’m there to collect my future breakfast.
I got down there and lo… Josh gave me what I came for. A pigeon egg.
But wait… I have to check and see if there’s a baby pigeon in there! Last thing I want to do is drop a feathery little mud skipper into the pan.
I creep up to the barn to do things the Pepperidge Farm way…
Ok things are clear. Let’s get rolling here. I’m starving.
SPLOOT.
FLAP.
PSSSHHH.
Alright here’s where things get kind of hairy. I was relieved to find that at first it was a normal looking egg, just smaller. But when the white started to cook it didn’t really act like a chicken egg. It looked more like undulating bubble wrap. I waited to see what would happen.
What happened was not good. All of a sudden a big pocket of the white florped up with a mighty hiss and gurgle. This was not going to be a good breakfast. I tried flipping the egg by rolling the pan around but it was affixed pretty good to the teflon. Stupid pigeon egg.
Trying to flip it makes the situation go from crap to diarrhea in a hurry.
By the time I shut the range off the egg looks like a spent condom.
Still, the yolk doesn’t look too bad I guess, and I am not stealing from my poor roomates again.
All in all, pigeons, I was let down by your egging skills. The yolk was no different than a chicken yolk. I was hoping for some kind of natural spice or kick given all the wacky, awesome stuff you guys eat.
I finally broke down and had a half dozen condor eggs shipped via Hummer to me from the Sierra Nevada.
Go eat your breakfast, kids.
no. seriously. I gagged. Gross, Man, gross.
what she said. i want to erase that from my memory forever.
Awesome.
ewwwwwww
oh my. oh my. do tell how the condor eggs turned out, won’t you?
Nice, nice, very nice.
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Birds-General-2349/pigeon-raw-egg.htm
It’s about raw eggs, but same diff, eh?
My favourite line: “I was hoping for some kind of natural spice or kick given all the wacky, awesome stuff you guys eat.” hahahaaahahaa
Dude! You had me with, ‘…had a half dozen condor eggs shipped via Hummer to me from the Sierra Nevada.’ Brilliant!
I really hope I never have to live off the land. But if I do, there better damn well be some Extra Virgin Olive Oil available for frying.
By the way, I just got back, and I love your hair. Glad the mullett was a 24 hour thing.
HAHA! my coworkers will not be happy with me when i link this for them.
Being a vegan this was extra icky. But your writing had me laughing, your description of the egg being like a condom was insane. Your face tasting the egg is what I looked like just reading this.
But my favorite is: “I creep up to the barn to do things the Pepperidge Farm way”- classic
Ahhh the Hummer, only to be surpassed in ridiculousness by those scary pimped-out Hummer limos (Humscalades?)
P.S. “Undulating Bubble Wrap” = great band name!
this experiment makes me very, very happy.
I’m going out and catchin me some of them wild fly’n city chikens right now. Looks like some good eat’n.