Couples discuss intimacy: “Moving in together was a mood killer”

True intimacy goes beyond the physical – it’s about building a deep emotional connection. How can we strengthen our bonds, and do men and women experience intimacy differently? In this three-part series, we ask experts and couples to share their insights.

At first, Sarah had no expectations of Sean when she swiped right on his profile. After all, she’d been on dating apps for years, and her experiences with men ranged from disappointing to outright shady.

“I didn’t have high hopes because he left his bio blank. He just put his photo, and I think he didn’t even fill in the other things, like his interests. But he was quite cute, so I thought, what the heck,” recalls the Singaporean, who works with a non-profit organisation.

Despite Sarah’s reservations, they hit it off online – their chemistry led to a date that lasted over four hours, where she opened up about her personal experiences, such as her troubled childhood and struggles with mental health.

“You could call it oversharing, but he was very open and didn’t give any indication that he was uncomfortable. He seemed non-judgmental, which made me feel safe to share more,” she says.

Although Sean’s easy demeanour helped put Sarah at ease, he was surprised by how open she was about revealing some of the most personal aspects of herself.

“I’m English, and I come from a culture where people are very reserved, especially on a first date. Many of my friendships, and even my relationship with my family, were quite surface-level. Culturally and personally, I was very closed off.

“At the time, I was trying to understand myself better and grow as a person. Early on, I saw Sarah as someone who could encourage me to become the person I wanted to be. I was drawn to how emotionally in tune she is, her big heart, and her incredible kindness,” he says.

The couple dated for about three years before deciding to move in together. This, however, brought their differences to the fore. Sarah and Sean had very different expectations about what this next step in their relationship meant.

Sean, who describes himself as someone who goes with the flow, admits that although he wanted to help with the apartment, he didn’t know where to start and was “terrible at communicating it”.

“The extent of my preparation was talking to a colleague who had recently moved in with his girlfriend. I had a few conversations with him about what it was like living together. That was it,” he says.

Sarah, on the other hand, is more Type A. The go-getting perfectionist focused on setting up their home, taking it upon herself to scour websites and Carousell for sales and bargains. At the same time, she was also dealing with a toxic work environment at her previous workplace.

Says Sarah: “Meanwhile, Sean would come home tired and mentally switched off, playing games instead. A lot of my unhappiness stemmed from the mental load women often feel – the responsibility for organising, cleaning and maintaining the house.”

This difference in mindset led to arguments and resentment between the couple, as they failed to communicate their unhappiness. The disparity in their work schedules – Sarah working weekdays and Sean, in the hospitality industry, working weekends – only added to the strain.

“I was so focused on getting everything done that I didn’t realise how unhappy I was about it. It only hit me later when I started feeling irritated at him over the smallest things.

“That’s when I realised it was because I felt alone in the process of setting up our home. I hadn’t communicated my unhappiness, and I didn’t even know I was unhappy at first,” says Sarah.

The importance of open communication

The growing divide between Sean and Sarah extended to the bedroom. Sean’s avoidance of their problems alienated Sarah, causing her physical and emotional attraction to him to wane over time.

This affected her desire for sex, which, on the surface, seemed like a case of mismatched libidos because they weren’t having sex as often as he wanted. However, the root cause was a lack of emotional safety – Sarah didn’t feel supported or validated.

“At some point, I had to ask myself, why don’t I yearn for him anymore? I realised it was because I felt so let down. I didn’t feel like he was taking care of me, or our life together,” says Sarah.

“Moving in together was such a mood killer. And on top of that, he wasn’t even figuring out his own direction in life. That turned me off because I thought, ‘He doesn’t know where we’re going or where he’s going.’”

It wasn’t Sean’s intention to inflict emotional pain on Sarah, but the conflict caused him to withdraw from her. He acknowledged that his defensiveness exacerbated the situation.

“Initially, I was defensive because I didn’t want to cause any pain or unhappiness. My reaction was, ‘Can’t you see I’m trying?’ Before we moved in, if someone had asked me, ‘Do you want Sarah to be your mother?’ I would’ve said no, of course not. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted to take care of her, not the other way around.

“But during the process, I didn’t realise how to navigate these new challenges. Instead of pushing through or asking for help, I kept things inside. That caused a lot of issues in our relationship.”

The situation came to a head during one of their couples’ therapy sessions, when they were forced to confront and communicate their unhappiness with each other. Subsequent sessions with their therapist helped facilitate healthy communication between them, and they began to approach their issues with greater self-awareness.

“Over time, I sat with it, processed it, and realised I had to own up to my mistakes. It was hard to admit I’d caused pain, but accepting that and forgiving myself for failing allowed me to grow and do better,” shares Sean.

Sarah learnt to prioritise self-care and shift her focus away from constantly fixing problems around their home. She also realised that she needed to be clear about her expectations, and to have open conversations about what she needed done.

“Couples therapy isn’t just for crises – it’s like seeing a physiotherapist. You don’t need an injury; you go to stay healthy and prevent bigger issues. It’s about learning healthy ways to communicate and collaborate,” says Sarah.

Intimacy is not just about sex

Although things are much less strained between the couple now, Sarah emphasises that their relationship is still a work in progress. Looking back, she realised that trusting Sean and feeling a sense of security were crucial for cultivating intimacy.

“Sean’s been very different. He’s going to therapy, talking to me more, and is self-aware about problems. Even when he’s not, if I alert him to something, he’s keen to discuss it. That really turns me on. Like, it’s strange, but when he says ‘I’m going to vacuum the house’ or ‘I’ll handle this’, I find that incredibly attractive,” says Sarah.

“When he started to change in the second half of last year, I noticed my body and mind reacting differently. I became more open and less scared of intimacy. That’s when I realised it wasn’t about libido – it was about communication, safety and everything but sex.”

Sean sees the lack of physical intimacy as a symptom of deeper issues. Some couples address it, he says, while others let it become a breaking point.

“To me, intimacy is another level of depth – a connection with one person that’s deeper than anything you have with friends. It’s not surface-level; it’s an extra level of openness and a profound connection. Intimacy is unlocking the boxes of who you are and showing someone everything – what you think, believe and feel,” he adds.

These days, Sarah and Sean are making an effort to spend more quality time together despite their clashing schedules. They aim to catch up at least once a week on their balcony.

“We had all these plans, but life got in the way. Between work, therapy and everything else, it’s been hard. Still, we find little moments – like watching Tiktoks together. It sounds silly, but it’s a connection for us,” says Sarah.

They are even planning to feed the cats in their neighbourhood. “It sounds weird, but we love animals. We know all the spots now, and even keep cat food at home,” Sarah laughs.

“We’re considering adopting one,” adds Sean.

Look out for the final part of this three-part series, where a couple reveals how they navigate their 16-year age gap. Missed part one? Read it here.