Couples discuss intimacy: “True intimacy is feeling accepted by my girlfriend”

True intimacy goes beyond the physical – it’s about building a deep emotional connection. How can we strengthen our bonds, and do men and women experience intimacy differently? In this three-part series, we ask experts and couples to share their insights.

For 10 years, Haslan was in a deadlock with his former girlfriend, who was undecided about embracing Islam if they were to marry. For the devout Muslim, who is of Chinese-Malay heritage, religion plays a significant role in his life, and a civil marriage was not on the cards for him. 

Worn out and weary, he finally ended their onagain, off-again relationship in 2021, a decision that broke his heart. Seeking resolution, Haslan confided in his friend, who is also a professional therapist.

“When I spoke to my friend about my previous relationship, he said, ‘When I asked why you stayed in this relationship, you always gave me various reasons. But not once did you mention that you loved her for a specific reason,’” says Haslan.

It was a light bulb moment for Haslan when he realised that, although he loved his ex, his reluctance to use the word “love” stemmed from not feeling accepted by her. During their 10 years together, she never introduced him to her family or friends.

“I guess there was underlying resentment – resentment over the fact that she couldn’t commit further. She wouldn’t let me meet her parents. So, whenever we argued about other things, that discontent was already there,” he shares.

It’s a stark contrast to his current relationship, where he says he can tell his girlfriend almost anything and feel accepted. Despite their 16 year age difference – he’s 41 and she’s 25 – they share the same sense of humour and values, and he feels like he can fully be himself with her.

“Intimacy, to me, means being able to share almost anything with my girlfriend. I feel accepted by her and safe, which is a huge thing for me – something that was really lacking in my previous relationship.”

Haslan explains: “For example, my current girlfriend and I share the same sense of humour, even if it’s low-brow, whereas the humour wasn’t really there with my ex.”

Building a connection through shared values

With Ann, there is a synergy in perspectives, even when they occasionally differ, as both are willing to understand each other’s points of view. Haslan, now older and wiser, has also learnt from his past mistakes, such as taking an avoidant approach towards his problems with his ex.

“One of the things we’ve discussed is how we see ourselves in a marriage – our roles, responsibilities, and what we view as part of a family unit, including the roles of the wife, the husband, and even raising a child.

“These are important topics for us, along with how she treats her family and mine, which matter deeply to both of us,” he says.

Interestingly, it was his break-up that brought him and Ann closer together. Ann first noticed Haslan when she was an intern at a communications agency where they both worked. A text message from Haslan broke the ice, and they kept in touch afterwards.

When Ann found out about his break-up, she offered to spend more time with him, and their connection grew over time. Her level-headed and optimistic nature made him feel at ease with her, while she was drawn to his humour and his respect for her as an independent person.

“I measure my success by my ability to give back to society, and he sees this as a strength. It’s a bit cliched, but I’ll say he ‘ticks the boxes’. I’ve always had a checklist of qualities my future husband should have: hard-working, honest, financially stable, and takes good care of himself and his surroundings,” shares Ann, a Communications Studies student at a local university.

Stability is important to Ann, having grown up as a child of divorced parents. Raised by her aunt, she has also been caring for her grandmother since a young age. A Buddhist, Ann is open to converting to Islam as she and Haslan plan their journey towards marriage after her graduation at the end of this year.

“Even within her faith, there are aspects where she feels certain things should be done in a particular way. Her views align with my religion in many ways.

“So, there was less resistance when we discussed whether we were going to commit. For her, it wasn’t a big deal, because those values were already in place,” says Haslan.

Navigating the age gap

The biggest hurdle for them is societal acceptance of their age difference, particularly with Ann’s family, who questioned Haslan’s intentions in dating someone significantly younger.

When Ann’s aunt found out about their relationship, she confronted Haslan when he stopped by her home. However, Ann stood up for them, telling her aunt that her approval would mean a lot to her.

“I was feeling amused by the whole incident afterwards. I told my girlfriend, ‘I only experienced this when I was 18.’ I probably am actually closer in age to her guardian than to her, and it felt very strange,” shares Haslan.

Ann’s family still has trouble accepting their relationship, but Haslan feels reassured by Ann’s emotional maturity in handling the situation.

“The way she expressed it showed strength with intention. She wasn’t being defiant for the sake of rebellion, but instead said, ‘I truly believe this is the man I trust my future with, and you should trust me to make the right choice.’”

Haslan’s family also had some concerns about their age difference initially, however, Ann quickly won them over with her personality.

“My parents trust my judgment. They got to know her better, and now they’re always singing her praises,” he says.

As they plan the next steps in their relationship, Haslan organises their dates around Ann’s interests, such as Chinese tea appreciation. Although Ann admits that she’s “terrible at video games”, she joins Haslan during his gaming sessions, where they enjoy playing Overcooked and Animal Crossing together.

“Many people have told me to find a man who always gives in to his partner, but that often means you’re the one solving the problems while he simply follows your lead. That’s not what I want – I want a teammate to navigate life with.

“One great thing about our relationship is that, despite the age gap, we never stop learning from each other. Growing together is key,” says Ann.