Dating Diaries: How to date beautifully and navigate a path to kind and respectful dating

Ghosting, rudeness, lack of transparency, mixed messages. Writing people off based on a photo we don’t like, a few words that don’t resonate, or a less than perfect date. It’s as if we have become disposable to each other. And it’s not ok.

In both my therapy room, my friendship circles (and even listening to the echoes of my dismayed voice), I’ve become aware, we are doing a whole lot of complaining, but we are also complicit in creating this landscape where we have forgotten how to treat each other well.

The only path to change is embodiment. It begins with making a commitment to date beautifully.

Beautiful dating is about showing up and offering others the respect, courtesy and care that we would like to receive… even if it’s not being reflected back to us. It’s easy to fall into a reactive cycle when we are faced with bad dating behaviours. It’s tit for tat, eye for an eye, ping and pong. Until we decide to be the ones to break the cycle, we will stay in a paradigm where respect is not being served and we are all either hungry for love or sick to the stomach from swimming in the lagoon of love lost.

Understanding some of our tendencies to disrespect in dating and setting intention to show up differently is where it all begins. Below, I unpack 3 common dating don’ts and how to begin doing the work to break the cycle.

Ghosting

Ghosting often happens when one person loses interest and doesn’t have the capacity or care to express an ending. Sometimes, it comes from total lack of care, but more commonly it derives from the fear that our boundary and preference will not be well-received… we’re worried about potential volatility, blame, shame or manipulation.

Healing asks us to explore the reasons why we may ghost, or silence our truth, and learn to speak it bravely and kindly.

It may be as simple as expressing ‘Thanks for spending time together, but I have decided not to move forward with our connection. It doesn’t feel right for me.’ If it’s only been a handful of dates, this may be all that’s required. However, if we are deeper in the journey, it may be appropriate to have a more nuanced conversation. It’s quite possible that if the other person was hoping to continue dating, they may be upset, or ask for more time to deepen the connection. Here, we can learn to validate the other person’s experience yet still affirm our clear boundary. Learning to navigate endings and sitting in the role of the ‘rejector’ is an important piece for both relating with compassion and learning to follow and express our own healthy impulses and preferences. It’s often initially quite uncomfortable, but get’s more natural as we practise.

Stringing & Breadcrumbing

Stringing people along and offering sporadic and inconsistent attention or care, while intermittently, pushing them away is a very harmful relationship behaviour. It keeps people on the ‘hook’, waiting to see if something will develop, blocks them from reorienting their attention to others, and in some cases can trigger developmental trauma around neglect and abandonment.

We tend to do this with people that we are not really interested in and to feed our own wounds around low self-worth or feeling unlovable. It’s a clear sign of emotional unavailability and deeper issues around power dynamics.

Honesty is the path to both intimacy and freedom.

The best thing to do, is to let people know exactly what we are seeking, what we are available for or where we are unsure. And if we are relating with someone that we really don’t see potential with, the kindest thing is to liberate them, let them go and find someone who is ready and interested to explore potential connection.

When we learn to stop playing games with people’s hearts, we will most commonly meet our wounds around shame, unworthiness and fear of intimacy. In the end, it’s beginning to heal these wounds (which often requires therapy) that allows us to finally become available or love and lean into intimacy.

Judgement & Rejection

If we find ourselves judging our dates for superficial or fleeting things, or creating impossibly high expectations, we will keep pushing love away and making other people feel bad about themselves. Quite often, this is an extension of the way we view ourselves deep down. It’s often a sign that there may be parts of ourselves we haven’t truly accepted… or that we are holding onto protective patterns from the past that are blocking us from being open to love. Deep down, we are afraid of harm, rejection, or losing ourselves in a relationship.

Healing asks us to notice how quick we are to judge and reject others. We can also learn to enquire where our tendency to judge and reject comes from. Many of us have complex relational histories that have created a wall around our hearts to protect it. The more we learn about our protective tendencies, the easier it is to finally begin to bring them down and move towards love.

As we learn to date beautifully, we set the tone for a respectful and kind dating landscape. Not everyone will respond well to our newfound honest and intentional approach, but we may be surprised by others who respond with grace and respect. The journey to love isn’t really about learning to catch a match. It’s about learning to let our honest and kind heart lead, as we come and go in each others’ stories.