Dear Therapist: How can I help my friend who still misses her ex 

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

My friend has been in a committed relationship with her boyfriend for the past four years and he plans to propose to her sometime this year. They seem to be really happy together but when she gets drunk, she tells me that she still misses her ex, and sometimes she wishes that they were still together. As a friend, I’m not sure what I should do — it’s so wrong, but I’m not even sure if I should intervene because it’s their relationship.

Dear Caring friend,

When we sense our friend isn’t following their heart, it is a natural instinct to want to protect their heart for them. The thing is, as adults, we can’t take responsibility for others’ choices. However, there’s nothing wrong with speaking up. In fact, it is the mark of a true friend to voice our concerns - this is how we show we truly have their back.

Finding the courage to speak up

Sometimes we may be worried that if we challenge our friend’s that they will react by getting angry, denying or pushing us away. It’s often this fear of rupture or rejection that keeps us quiet. When we are working up the courage to speak up, we can begin by acknowledging this fear and reminding ourselves that we are moving from kindness, love and integrity. The way our friend responds may be with receptivity or reactivity. This isn’t something we can control and doesn’t reflect our own values. Committing to stand in our truth and speak lovingly is a mark of maturity and compassion.

Right time, right tone

It can be helpful to broach sensitive topics at the right time and with the right tone. We can be tempted to blurt it out in the middle of an intense or emotional moment. This increases the risk of reactivity and resistance to exploring difficult emotions. Choose a time that’s calm, spacious and intimate. Lead by letting your friend know how much you care about her, and ask her if it’s ok if you ask her a little about her relationship. If she says yes, you’ve got her permission to lean in gently. Let her know what you have noticed when she’s been drinking and ask her if she can talk to you about it. This approach is more likely to be received well, as opposed to a straight up challenge about her current partner. If you can open a candid and conscious conversation, you’re more likely to move the needle.

Let go of outcome

While you have your friend’s happiness at heart, she is the master of her destiny. So once you’ve made an attempt to help her process her choice, the next step it to let go and let her walk her path. This can be difficult to do if we truly believe someone is making unhealthy or fearful choices and may bring up a lot of emotions. Our task is to sit with our feelings and keep on showing up for our friends with as much unconditionality as possible.

Friendship is about championing each other on the journey through all the ebbs and flows of life. It’s less about coaching each other, and more about loving each other. Keep on caring.

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.