Dear Therapist: How can I survive a toxic ‘girlboss’ and still protect my mental health?

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Dear Therapist,

I need some help. I’ve been working at my new job at this clothing brand for close to a year and I think my boss has bipolar disorder and she’s also an absolute overt narcissist. She embodies the stereotype of a “girlboss,” obsessed with image, much like Regina George. She prides herself on being difficult, enjoying the fear she instils in others and flaunting her resting boss face. Our working relationship has been tumultuous due to my inclination to please and my perfectionism in the workplace. Personally, I am empathetic but prone to self-doubt. I’ve noticed a pattern of self-criticism, potentially influenced by her subtle manipulation tactics.

Her tactics vary, from periods of excessive niceness to sudden coldness and bullying behaviour. It’s confusing when she acts understanding during stressful times, making me question her true intentions. The praise she receives for her occasional acts of kindness feels forced. While everything seems perfect on paper, there are subtle ways she undermines my confidence, sometimes not so subtly.

My fiance believes I need to break free from her grip, and I’m beginning to realise how deeply conditioned I’ve become. Maybe I haven’t worked here long enough. Her criticism of my work and the fear of making mistakes instantly crushes me, leaving me a nervous wreck. I’m distressed and feel trapped, what should I do? 

Dear Distressed,

Dealing with an unstable or cruel boss can be one of the worst things for our mental health. It’s really important that you explore ways to shift the dynamic so it doesn’t erode your spirit and spill into other areas of your life. This can be really complicated when we like our job and don’t want to quit. Let’s look at some different ways you could shift things:

Talk to her about how you are feeling

Ask to speak to her 1-1 and let her know you’ve been feeling stressed out by your interactions. Let her you’d like to develop a more peaceful working relationship and see if you can begin a collaborative conversation. If she has any shred of self-awareness, she’ll lean in to discuss, and you may even learn more about why she’s behaving so erratically. There is the chance that if she lacks basic self-awareness, she may react unfavourably with shame and blame. If she does this, it’s important for you to remember that this is all about her, and not about you.

Call in the higher-ups

It’s not ok for your boss to be treating you poorly. Draft a professional email to HR and ask for a meeting. Ensure that you have noted down specific incidents of what’s happened and speak in ways that are clear, congruent and factual. In an ideal scenario, HR will develop an intervention plan to improve your experience. This may take time and be somewhat non-linear, so you’ll need patience to navigate it.

Grow your psychological sovereignty

If we are being shamed, blamed or gaslighted regularly, we can begin to believe that we are a problem and it really affects our self-perception which can lead us down a dark mental health spiral. Practise externalising her comments. Remember the things she projects onto you are all part of her wounding, they are no part of you. This can be a long journey of psychological boundary setting and is often best supported by a therapist who can help you in moments when you question your worth or your place within the drama of it all. In the end, when you are able to let her projections bounce off you, even though it will still be tiresome, you’ll be far less affected.

Say goodbye to perfection and pleasing

The more you do your inner work to let go of perfection and pleasing, the more you will free yourself from the torture of this dynamic. This will often point to healing around childhood and attachment dynamics as well as cultural conditioning. This is deep work that is about liberating yourself from the fear of rejection, exclusion, aloneness and shame. While it may or may not shift the dynamic with this particular boss, it will ultimately free you up from getting caught up so intensely in future relationships where power and authority tug on old wounds.

In the end, no person or job is more important than your mental health. It’s time to choose a path that puts your well-being first.

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.