This entrepreneur found solace in EMDR therapy and is now sharing her expertise with Singaporeans

Leading a highly stressful life can affect our mental health. Throw in other elements such as the rising cost of living and uncertainly about the future and there are a lot of things that weigh us down. So it's no surprise that, in Singapore, we're feeling more stressed than ever. 

A 2022 survey showed that 59% of Singaporeans aged 24 to 34 are more stressed than they were the year before. For those aged 16 to 24, this number was 63% and it's 52% for people in the 35 to 44 age group.

Getting therapy to talk about how you're feeling and finding out how you can deal with the pressures of modern living does help. However, one woman discovered that this didn't go far enough and decided to launch a practice based on the one type of therapy that helped her the most.

Kellyjo Coney-Khan received a BBC News scholarship and worked in the television industry for years. Despite her professional success, she struggled with crippling self-doubt and anxiety, even turning to alcohol for comfort.

In 2018, she went back to the United Kingdom while she was in the middle of her Masters programme and was under a lot of stress. She found a professional practicing Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy and tried a few sessions. The effect was rather extraordinary – it improved her cognitive functions at university and she felt she was “on fire”.

That same year, her father (on her graduation day) and grandfather (on her wedding day) passed away a few days after one another and she decided to “transform my grief into something extraordinary”. The result was Tidylodge, a boutique psychotherapy and coaching service that specialises in Intensive EMDR Psychotherapy.

“My Dad, still young, was my hero. His ethos is the foundation of Tidylodge’s values today, which was to create a better corner of the world wherever he could share his light, and his immense sense of appreciation for life,” the psychotherapist explains. “He faced life's challenges head-on, always aligning his actions with values he held deeply.”

When she launched Tidylodge, she made sure she wasn’t alone. She set up a “dream team” which included a group of friends and family of around 25-30 people whom she bounced ideas off and shared her milestones with. 

“They would encourage me to keep going when things got tough, and helped me to transform grief, by extension, into legacy,” she recalls. “This dream team was pivotal in the early years of Tidylodge, and for its success today.”

The eight phases of EMDR

So what exactly is EMDR? “I like to think of it as Every Moment Deserves Respect – the moment you walk into the room, you need to feel respected and that your story is heard. In all variations of EMDR, there are three parts to it – the culmination of getting to the depths necessary for change to occur. Those parts are the past, the present and the future,” Kellyjo explains.

“EMDR and Standard Protocol work well for single-event trauma and severe PTSD symptoms. For complex-trauma, attachment variations are much more adept at reaching the complexities prevalent in how we relate to ourselves, others and the world at large,” she adds.

One major component of EMDR is dual attention, or BLS – a tech-y term to make sure you are tapping into the right and left side of your brain and body to get the change integrated on a cellular level and your brain frequencies adjusted for transformation. Practitioners use eye movements, tappers, buzzers, even walking, vibrations and drums for this bit. 

Kellyjo explains the eight phases of the EMDR process – she remembers it with a little mnemonic: Harry Potter And Dumbledore In Big Cheesy Relationships (“Come on… we all have a kid in us!”).  She says that these phases aren’t linear, they can be multidirectional. 

They are – the gathering of H for history (need to know you), P for preparation (need to get you ready for the work and keep you safe), A for assessment (what will we work on together) and phase four, D for desensitisation (let’s reduce the impact for you). Then there is phase five-eight, I for installation (now let’s make sure the belief has changed for you), B for bodyscan (have the emotions in the nervous system been shifted), C for closure (full integration of changed material) and R for re-evaluation (let’s check, complete and solidify our work). Changed beliefs and desensitised stress lead to neutrality, calm and change. 

Changing her clients' lives  

Kellyjo trained in various types of EMDR techniques and protocols, as well as revisiting different types every year. After training and bridging the gap between the versions of EMDR to ensure her toolbox had everything she needed to help almost anyone who walked through the door, she trained in Advanced EMDR and EMDR Intensives. 

“Advanced EMDR Intensives were the absolute game changer though. I cannot deny the buzz I get seeing the shifts and changes and feedback from clients and how it ripples out by extension to their families and community. It is what makes my career a calling!” she quips.

Kellyjo stresses, however, that it's important to be mindful that all psychotherapy, when administered by another human, carries risk: “After my own EMDR journey, what I would want people to know about this popularised, well-marketed little tool is that EMDR certainly has its advantages. But like any operator of a highly-technical piece of machinery, operator error is common. It is important that you first and foremost keep yourself safe.

She reveals that her clients are high-achievers, fortunate, lucrative, outstanding and successful in their fields. They might hold many accolades, may run multiple companies, are entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, on the board of their company, C-Suite staff or husbands of concerned wives. 

“All clients come in knowing that they can be, or feel better than they do currently, but are not sure what they need to do to unblock their flow,” she says. “Specific types of issues that my clients come in with typically are anxiety, ADHD, or signs of stress, burnout, being dissatisfied in life, not doing or feeling well, but wish to do more or feel better; dependencies, doom scrolling, disconnection and misdirection. 

“The kinds of people who can benefit are people like me, like you, like your friend, your doctor, your lecturer, your parents, your local MP, a CEO, a founder, a grandma or another therapist. I’m not one for labels, but it if helps, specific issues might be trauma, adverse life experiences, anxiety disorders, OCD and stress,” she adds. 

What she cherishes now is connecting with her clients from all walks of life. She admits that, when fostering a profound therapeutic alliance, you can’t help but build a genuine bond with such deep work. Also, witnessing growth and receiving updates about their victories fill her with an indescribable sense of pride and purpose.

“I do this job for the look I see on my clients' faces when they come back and share how their lives have changed for the better and I’m just in awe of what we've achieved together,” she confesses. “I set up Tidylodge because I might be crazy in Steve Jobs' definition of the word, which is that, 'the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do'. If this is crazy, then I am free, free to keep changing, one life at a time!”