Gen Zs and the death of small talk: Here’s why it’s happening

As my co-workers chomp down on their lunch, banter bounces between them like a game of verbal ping-pong. They jump from weekend plans to pop culture, onto the state of the world.

I’m at the table spectating while my mind flips through potential responses like I’m playing a game of Episode, an interactive choose-your-own-destiny video game.

Do I…

• sit and nod quietly with a smile on my face?
• offer a subtle “uh-huh” to show I’m listening?
• laugh even though the punchline didn’t quite land?
• risk making things awkward by saying something controversial?

Although I have no problems talking my friends’ ears off, small talk often leaves me caught in this mental tug-of-war. Sometimes, it feels forced. Other times, I can’t muster the energy for trivialities like the weather. 

As I try to pinpoint what exactly about small talk puts me off, I can’t help but wonder — do other Gen Zs feel this way too?

What exactly is small talk?

Small talk is generally understood as a casual, polite, light-hearted conversation about uncontroversial topics in a social setting. And of course, this includes the weather, hobbies, and weekend plans.

A Kind Place counsellor Joyce Ho, says that small talk also serves as a great way to get a better understanding of a person, suss out where they are at, and how deep they might want to go in their interaction with you. 

But for me, small talk rarely goes beyond surface level. Once small talk is initiated, the exchange follows a predictable script and we’re never more than 10 lines away from the end. 

So, why bother? It’s the same dance each time; a safe, but unfulfilling routine. Perhaps, therein lies the problem.

The digital divide

It’s no surprise that having grown up as digital natives and experiencing a huge chunk of their lives in the pandemic, Gen Zs are far more confident talking to others from behind a screen. 

The option to reject a call or view someone’s message and take the time to craft the perfect response gives Gen Zs the freedom to decide who they would like to talk to and what about. 

Not to mention, curated social media profiles give the world a glimpse of who they are, so they don’t really feel a need to explain their lore to strangers in real life.

For some Gen Zs like Shaista Daneen, 21, communicating online has become the default and a sort of security blanket for social interactions, so much so that small talk in real life can feel awkward or even unnecessary. 

For Shaista, the awkwardness stems from the pressure to keep the conversation going: “I get nervous in social settings, especially with new people, because I tend to overanalyse what I say and worry too much about how others perceive me.”

Despite feeling more comfortable behind a screen, the undergraduate added that she has no qualms engaging in small talk when she needs to, especially to break the ice in the workplace, although she would prefer to listen instead. 

No point in small talk

For Kashi C, 24, socialising and small talk are unavoidable in his line of work as a marketing professional. While he is more than confident in speaking to people who initiate small talk with him, he says that he would never go out of his way to spark a conversation. 

“Sometimes I use small talk to kill time or reduce the awkwardness with customers in the queue, but that’s it,” said Kashi, who often helps out at his mother’s hawker store. 

“I don’t really care to do more.” 

With Kashi’s busy schedule, small talk feels like a mindless, throw-away conversation where the things you say won’t really be remembered. As such, it feels like a waste of time. 

Instead, Kashi prefers someone to be forthcoming and ask directly for what they want from him, saying: “I’m more likely to have a conversation with someone if they ask me about something niche that I can have an opinion on.

“Don’t waste my time asking me about the weather.”

Choosing “big talk” in search of authentic and meaningful connections

Like Kashi, undergraduate Nurin Amirah, 25, is uninterested in having small talk. While she has no issues socialising, the aspiring artist doesn’t want to engage in petty conversation for the sake of it, especially with strangers.

Rather, she is focused on nurturing her existing relationships and deepening those connections. 

She said: “I already have all the friends I need and I’d rather pay attention to those relationships.

“Energy is currency, and it’s essential for me to choose who I spend it on.”

Lately, Nurin finds herself engaging more in big talk; a purposeful conversation where participants ask questions that lead to meaningful insights and foster deeper connection beyond the usual pleasantries.

Just recently, while chatting with a friend living overseas, Nurin searched up “thought-provoking questions” when their conversation became stale. Despite the initial silence after asking, “If we could change our first impressions of each other, how would you change it?” Nurin ended up learning something new about the friend she had known for years.

For Nurin, big talk trumps small talk in a few ways: “It’s nice to break out of the routine and talk more intimately.”

Finding a middle ground

Of course, not all conversations are fit for big talk. At the end of the day, small talk, while seeming shallow and unimportant, is necessary, especially for social settings where you need to be cordial. Take work, for example.

Mr Nicholas Lim, Head of Singapore University of Social Sciences’ Graduate Diploma in Youth Work and Professional Life Coaching Programme, says that small talk acts as a social lubricant to establish rapport amongst colleagues, especially when there is an intergenerational or relationship gap.

“Casual conversations about non-controversial topics help to break down hierarchical barriers and maintain a friendly work environment, which is essential for team bonding,” he explained.

Likewise, Ms Ho feels that there can be no big talk without first building up to it with small talk.

That said, some Gen Zs might still feel hesitant to strike up a conversation, especially with higher-ups.

According to Dr Shobha Avadhani, Senior Lecturer at the Department of Communications and New Media, National University of Singapore, this reluctance might stem from complicated power dynamics at work. 

While workplaces have adopted a tech startup-like culture where everyone mingles freely, a hierarchy still exists, despite its flattened appearance. 

As such, Gen Zs might struggle to navigate what’s acceptable to say, needing more situational awareness to read social cues. The fear of being cancelled for saying something wrong also adds anxiety.

But like any other skill, small talk requires practice, and surprisingly, a good amount of self-reflection if you want to get good at it. 

Dr Avadhani suggests Gen Zs shift their focus from trying to be who they think others want them to be and instead concentrate on who they are and what matters to them.

She said: “This kind of reflexivity is important because the more complex your environment becomes, the more conscious you have to be about entering it.”

Like the immortal words of Sara Bareilles, Dr Avadhani is essentially advocating for young people to “Say what you want to say” — within reason of course — because people-pleasing, even in small talk, is a sure-fire way to burn out.