8 helpful tips when talking to someone with cancer

Tip #1: Avoid asking intrusive questions and respect their privacy

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One of the most common mistakes that people make when talking to someone with cancer is asking too many personal questions. They may ask about the stage of the cancer, the prognosis, the treatment plan, the side effects, the surgery, etc. These questions may seem harmless, but they can actually be very intrusive and upsetting. Be mindful that many don’t want to talk about these details, and feel the need to protect their privacy and dignity.

So, before you ask anything, ask yourself: Why am I asking this? Is it relevant or helpful for them? Do I have their permission or trust? How would I feel if someone asked me the same thing?

Let them decide how much they want to share and make sure to respect their boundaries. If they want to talk about their illness, they will let you know.

Tip #2: Don’t take offence if the person doesn’t contact you

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If you have a friend or a relative who is diagnosed with cancer, you might feel hurt or confused if they don’t reach out to you or share their feelings with you. Don’t take it personally!

Sometimes, the person might not have the energy or the desire to talk about their cancer with others. They might feel overwhelmed by the situation or might want to protect you from the burden of their pain.

Therefore, be patient and mindful of their needs and preferences, and be respectful of their boundaries.

Tip #3: Listen with empathy

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One of the most important things you can do is to listen to them with empathy, which means without judging, interrupting, or offering unsolicited advice. Just let them express themselves and vent their emotions, and show them that you care and respect them.

Tip #4: Use supportive communication

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When you talk to them, use supportive phrases like: “I hear you”, “What makes you feel supported?”, “I’m listening if you want to talk.” If you don’t know what to say, just say that you really don’t know what to say, but want them to know that you think of them and wish them all the best. Avoid saying things like: “It could be worse”, “You’ll get over it”, or “Everything happens for a reason”, as they might sound dismissive or insensitive.

Tip #5: Use non-verbal communication

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A tap on the shoulder, holding a hand, a hug (ask for permission first) can be more comforting than a thousand words. It is proven that a hug boosts oxytocin, a “feel good” hormone, and helps soothe negative feelings.

Tip #6: Offer specific and practical help

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Ask: “Is there anything you need right now?”, “I am free on these particular days, do you want me to pick up your kids or can I take you for a walk?”, “Do you need a ride to the hospital? When is your next appointment?” The best way to find out what they need is to ask them directly and follow their cues.

Tip #7: Follow up

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Sometimes people who are going through a hard time might withdraw from social contact or not respond to messages. Isabel suggests sending supportive messages on a regular basis, like: “I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re doing better”, “Sending you lots of positive energy”, “You don’t need to answer back, I just want you to know that I am here for you.” The messages will most likely be very much appreciated.

Tip #8: Treat them as normally as possible

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Don’t treat them differently or pity them, but rather try to maintain your usual relationship and activities with them, as long as they are comfortable with it. Invite them to join you for fun or relaxing things, like watching a movie, playing a game, or going for a walk.


This article was originally published in Singapore Women's Weekly.