How to cultivate a sense of belonging in work and life according to Uma Thana Balasingam

I’ll never forget the first time I walked into a networking event early in my career. The room was filled with suits – older, more experienced, and mostly male. I had spent hours psyching myself up, rehearsing my introduction, and perfecting my outfit. But as the conversations flowed and laughter erupted around me, I felt like an outsider. The jokes I didn’t understand, the camaraderie I wasn’t part of – it was overwhelming. That night, I went home questioning not just my place in that room but my place in my career.

This wasn’t the first time I’d felt this way. Growing up as a brown-skinned girl in Johor Bahru, Malaysia, I often felt invisible. My dark skin was a constant source of self-consciousness, and my friends’ lives seemed worlds apart from mine. I didn’t have the shiny school supplies or new uniforms they did. Instead, I stood in separate lines for secondhand books, a visible reminder of where I stood.

The one place I felt seen was at home with my father. A mechanic by trade, he became my model for kindness and the beauty of creating with one’s hands. Yet, even he faced his own struggles. A heart attack the year I was born forced him to give up his work. Watching him navigate life with resilience became my first lesson in what true belonging means – not just being accepted but finding strength in your unique path.

What belonging really means

Belonging isn’t about fitting in. It’s about being valued for who you are, not for how well you can mould yourself to someone else’s expectations. Yet, the journey to understanding this truth was long, full of moments of doubt.

In university, where I ended up studying my fifth-choice course – Computer Science – on a government loan, I shared a tiny room with three other girls, sleeping on thin mattresses laid across the floor. I negotiated my first salary out of sheer desperation for a room of my own. That small victory taught me a lesson I carry to this day: “Ask, and you shall most likely receive.” But I would soon learn that asking for belonging – real, authentic belonging – was a different challenge altogether.

The barriers to belonging

In many spaces, I was “The Only” – the only woman, the only brown-skinned person, the only one without a privileged background. These moments weren’t just isolating; they were stark reminders of how belonging can often feel so elusive.

I’ll never forget my first leadership meeting. It was an executive team gathering, and as I looked around the room, I realised I was the youngest person there, the only woman, and the only brown-skinned face. Every word I spoke felt scrutinised. At one point, I shared an idea, and someone cut me off mid-sentence, dismissing it as unworkable. Later, a male colleague repeated the same idea, and it was met with enthusiasm. I remember sitting there, silently fuming, wondering if my voice even mattered.

Another time, I was at an after-work gathering, hoping to bond with colleagues over casual drinks. But as the conversations unfolded, they turned into a string of inside jokes and references I didn’t understand. I smiled, nodded, and laughed when I thought it was appropriate, but inside, I felt completely alone. That night, I promised myself that if I ever led a team, I would never let anyone feel like they didn’t belong.

One of the hardest moments came when I started in sales. New to the field and feeling completely out of my depth, I had to negotiate with seasoned professionals who saw me as inexperienced and naive. During one particularly tough meeting, a senior client questioned whether I even understood the technicalities of what I was selling. I left that meeting feeling humiliated and questioning if I had chosen the right path. But those painful moments became fuel for my determination to prove I not only belonged but could thrive.

Each of these experiences chipped away at my confidence, but they also taught me resilience. They made me realise that belonging isn’t something someone grants you – it’s something you claim for yourself.

The turning point

The real breakthrough came when I leaned into authenticity. For years, I had worn masks, trying to be someone others expected me to be. But the day I allowed myself to be vulnerable, things started to change. One turning point came during a meeting with my team. I admitted that I was struggling with impostor syndrome and feared I wasn’t doing enough as a leader. To my surprise, one of my team members opened up about their own doubts and insecurities. That moment created a ripple effect. By sharing my struggles, I had unknowingly given others permission to share theirs. It was the first time I felt like I didn’t have to carry the weight of perfectionism alone.

Another pivotal moment was when I started saying “no” to spaces where I felt undervalued and “yes” to ones where I could truly be myself. I remember turning down a high-paying role because I knew the culture would force me to shrink. It was terrifying to walk away, but it was also liberating. That decision led me to roles where I could thrive, not just survive.

The most transformative experience, though, was building Lean In Singapore. I still remember the first event we hosted – a small gathering of women who, like me, were navigating the complexities of ambition and belonging. As each woman shared her story, I realised how much power there is in simply being seen. It wasn’t just about creating a space for others to belong; it was about finding my own belonging in the process.

These moments taught me that authenticity isn’t just about being honest with others – it’s about being honest with yourself. When I stopped trying to fit into moulds that weren’t made for me, I found the confidence to create my own path.

Lessons on cultivating a sense of belonging

Belonging isn’t something you find; it’s something you create. Here are the lessons I’ve learned along the way:

• Ask, even if it feels uncomfortable

Look, asking isn’t easy. I’ll never forget the knot in my stomach when I negotiated my first salary just so I could have a room of my own. But that moment taught me something profound: you don’t get what you don’t ask for. Whether it’s a raise, a mentor’s time, or a seat at the table, ask. It’s not selfish – it’s survival.

• Show up authentically

I spent so many years trying to hide the parts of me I thought didn’t belong. But one day, I admitted to my colleagues that I struggled with impostor syndrome, and you know what? They admitted they felt the same. Being real isn’t a weakness; it’s an invitation for others to do the same.

• Find your circle

My Lean In Circle? It’s like having a group of no-BS truth-tellers in your corner. These women hold me accountable in ways my friends and family can’t. They call me out, cheer me on, and remind me that I’m not alone. Everyone needs a circle – your people who see you and won’t let you give up on yourself.

• Redefine success on your terms

I used to think success was about climbing the corporate ladder. But here’s the thing: no title ever gave me the kind of fulfilment I get from helping others find their voices. Success, for me, is about impact – lifting others as I climb.

• Claim your space

There were rooms where I felt like an intruder, so I made my presence undeniable. I’d show up at social outings even when I wasn’t invited, and eventually, people started expecting me there. Sometimes, belonging means creating your own invitation.

What leaders can do to foster belonging

If you’re a leader, you have the power to make belonging more than just a buzzword. Here’s how:

• Listen like you mean it

Don’t just nod and wait for your turn to talk. Really listen. Create spaces where people feel safe enough to share – even the hard stuff. When someone feels heard, they feel valued.

• Celebrate what makes people different

Forget trying to make everyone the same. The best teams thrive on diversity. Recognise what makes each person unique and let them shine.

• Show them you’re human too

Leaders don’t have to be invincible. Share your struggles, your failures, your humanity. Vulnerability is contagious, and it creates an environment where others feel safe to be themselves. I remember working for the president of a company who made it a point to highlight my contributions in every meeting I attended. It wasn’t just lip service – he tied discussions back to my work and explained why it mattered. That simple act of recognition made me feel seen, valued, and motivated to do even better. Moments like these are a reminder that small gestures from leaders can greatly impact someone’s sense of belonging. Leaders don’t have to be invincible. Share your struggles, your failures, your humanity. Vulnerability is contagious, and it creates an environment where others feel safe to be themselves.

• Speak up for others

 If you’re in the room, use your voice to amplify someone else’s. Call out bias, champion someone’s idea, or just make sure no one gets overlooked. Small acts of advocacy go a long way.

• Invest in people’s growth

Nothing says “You belong,” like showing someone you believe in their potential. Offer opportunities, mentorship, and meaningful work. When people see a future for themselves in your organisation, they’ll stay.

A call to action

Belonging isn’t about being liked by everyone or fitting neatly into every room. It’s about creating spaces where you feel seen, heard, and valued – and having the courage to leave spaces that don’t. If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, know this: you’re not alone. The fact that you care about finding a connection means you’re already halfway there.

But let’s not stop there. What if you could be the reason someone else feels like they belong? It’s as simple as checking in on a quiet colleague, amplifying someone’s idea in a meeting, or inviting someone to sit with you during lunch. These small acts create ripples of connection that can transform someone’s day – and, eventually, their life.

Belonging starts with each of us. Look for those moments when you can be a bridge instead of a barrier. Create spaces where everyone feels they have a place, and watch as the impact extends beyond anything you could imagine.

Belonging isn’t about being liked by everyone or fitting neatly into every room. It’s about creating spaces where you feel seen, heard, and valued – and having the courage to leave spaces that don’t. If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, know this: you’re not alone. The fact that you care about finding a connection means you’re already halfway there. Keep showing up. Keep being you. Because when you belong to yourself, the rest will follow.

A final reflection

A few years ago, I found myself standing on stage at a Lean In Singapore event, looking out at a room full of women sharing their stories and lifting each other up. It hit me that this moment, this community, was everything I had craved during my loneliest times. It wasn’t just about creating a space for others – it was about realising I had finally found my own sense of belonging. And here’s the thing: that belonging didn’t come from someone else granting me permission. It came from embracing who I am, flaws and all, and using my experiences to help others see their own worth.

Belonging isn’t about being liked by everyone or fitting neatly into every room. It’s about creating spaces where you feel seen, heard, and valued – and having the courage to leave spaces that don’t. If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, know this: you’re not alone. The fact that you care about finding a connection means you’re already halfway there. Keep showing up. Keep being you. Because when you belong to yourself, the rest will follow.

The journey to belonging isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. When we embrace our individuality, we create ripple effects that inspire others to do the same. Together, we can redefine what it means to belong – not as a privilege granted by others but as a power we claim for ourselves and extend to those around us.

Uma Thana Balasingam is the architect of RAW Leadership. She also is the founder and CEO of the The Elevate Group and the Lean In Network in Singapore, and was formerly Vice President, Partner & Commercial Sales, Asia Pacific & Japan, VMware. For Her World, she writes about embracing emotions in the workplace.