How do you know when your friendship is dead?

A few months ago, I made the difficult choice to end my friendship with Vee (not her real name) after a nasty argument. Forgetting to return her my share of dinner once, one year ago, was evidence enough to Vee that I was a deceitful and dishonest person. (Not once in the span of that year did she remind me of my debt.)

Deciding that I couldn’t stay in a friendship built on such fragile foundations, I stopped replying to her completely, informing her through our mutual friends that I no longer wished to speak to her after the hurt she’d caused through her name calling and false accusations.  

Earlier in the year, I grappled with the sadness of drifting apart from some longtime friends, many of whom I’d thought I’d remain tight with for life, due to shifting priorities that come with adulting.

Adult friendships are complex, to say the least. 

We’ve taken for granted that our social circle will shrink as we age. Yet, this isn’t a process that happens mysteriously overnight. There are many ways to recognise when your friendship, like mine and Vee’s, has run its course.

Friendship is a two-way street 

37-year-old marketing professional Will recalls his friendship with Sam, a secondary school friend. “I don't quite remember how we struck up the friendship, but it must have been because neither of us was among the 'popular crowd',” he shares. 

There wasn’t a trigger that ended the friendship, but a series of events that suggested a larger pattern of over-promising and under-delivering. “He would be the first to say 'Yes' to a meet-up, then back out at the very last minute… There were times when he’d promise to pick me up before our NS Remedial Training, but would either be extremely late or not show up at all without explanations.” 

The last time Will and Sam met was when the latter turned up so late to a gathering that everyone else had left. Will has not asked Sam out ever since, who in turn had never made the effort to ask Will out for anything, anyway.

 Will doesn’t regret the end of his friendship with Sam. “I feel like I’m on a bus most of the time. Some people get on, some people get off, and some people stay because they’re headed in the same direction. Sam boarded the bus but decided to get off somewhere along the journey, so off he went. I’m happy for him to reach out but it's tiring to always be the adult in this friendship.”

Friends that live better in our memories

Amy, 29, remembers her friendship with Brenda (not her real name), her secondary school classmate, with great fondness. “We frequently sat, had meals, and read books together… ​​In the evenings, we would call each other and talk for an hour or two, usually about people we know because that was all we knew. ”

After enrolling in junior colleges far away from each other, Amy and Brenda began drifting apart. It didn’t help that Amy “did not bother” with Facebook, then the social media platform of choice. Attending a reunion organised by their secondary school made Amy realise that there was “practically nothing to talk about”, given their different trajectories. When they eventually met for one last time in Amy’s first year of university, she recalls “feeling awkward, as if I was having tea with a stranger instead of someone who knew me for years. We cycled through polite conversation topics, gossiped about our ex-classmates, then parted ways for good.” 

While Amy thinks about Brenda from time to time, she doesn’t get wistful. “I think we both knew that it's naive to believe the friends you make at fourteen, in a particular controlled environment, will still be your friend when you no longer have the same routines or proximity. I think that childhood friendships, the pure and uncomplicated kind, exist best in our memories.”

Lies, exaggerations and unnecessary drama

Sofia (not her real name) describes an experience with her schoolmate, Zy, that was all good until he started dating regularly, when he started bailing on meetups with increasing frequency. Sofia also highlights Zy’s tendency to fabricate stories, telling each friend a different version of events. “He would create stories [about anything] to attract attention, as he loved seeing people's reactions after hearing them. I was no longer able to distinguish what is truth, exaggeration or a lie.” When caught in the lie, Zy would simply tell a bigger lie to cover it up. 

Unlike Will and Amy, Sofia actively cut Zy out of her life. One morning, unable to “swallow the toxicity anymore”, she removed him from all their mutual group chats, a move she admits was brutal. She reached out much later over text to apologise, but the conversation petered out quickly.

“We both knew we could never go back to how things were. I don't want to revive a friendship… wondering when his next screw-up [will be]. It will not be fair to him. And I do not ever want to cut ties that way again [and] make our mutual friends pick sides. I found it to be unforgiving even though it was the best decision at the time.”

The glimmer of hope for adult friendships

The world of adult friendships isn’t all doom and gloom. The silver lining amidst the dark clouds of dead friendships, are the friendships worth keeping. 

Sarah, a 28-year-old urban impact policy associate, maintains long-distance friendships with two women she met during her internship in a women’s rights group more than five years ago. “We remain grounded in our shared values (gender justice and advocacy), especially on days when any of us feels distant or jaded by our work. We understand each other in ways few other people will.” 

“Our friendship has gone through numerous efforts to keep it alive amid busy schedules. We have a WhatsApp group, we tried to start a monthly newsletter between us – it died in its second month –  and now we’re using an app called Locket to share pictures of mundane everyday things.”

Sarah shares that she’s grateful “that they have stayed a constant throughout the years – grounding me in my values, and reciprocating my energy to maintain this friendship. Even when we don’t need to, we always remind each other of how much we love one another. ”

The best friendships are worth all our efforts

An 85-year-long Harvard study on adult development has recently revealed that close relationships and meaningful social connections keep us healthier and happier. So while some friendships aren’t built to last, we can only stand to benefit by investing our time and efforts in those that do, as well as keep our hearts and minds open to nurturing newer friendships that bring us joy.

Our priorities inevitably shift as we grow older. Be it starting families, going to grad school, or career transitions – adulting comes with huge life changes that take time to cope with. This may mean having less time for our friends. In such cases, all we need is to know that our friends support us, respect our space, and that our love is still there even if we can’t meet as often. There’s no rule book to adult friendships, so be kind to yourself and your friends.

That said, weeding out the friendships that exhaust you more than they nourish your spirit is important. As my experience with Vee has taught me, some things are non-negotiables. If a particular friend is constantly causing you distress and hurt, you might want to cut them out of your life – of course, with respect and dignity that honours the good times you’ve had with each other. 

Maintaining friendships isn’t easy, especially with the commitments and stresses of adulthood, but the most meaningful and lasting relationships are the ones that we give our truest and best selves to.