How To Build A Singaporean Woman: Give Her An Orgasm

“How To Build A Singaporean Woman” is a Her World original docuseries which highlights the social and cultural issues that women in Singapore face, and asks: what does it mean to be a Singaporean woman today? In the fourth episode, “Give Her An Orgasm”, clinical sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee and the founders of sexual wellness brand Hedonist x Genvie, Meryl Lim and Jacqueline Kee, share their efforts to break down the stigma of sex, the taboo around pleasure and emphasise the importance of intimacy in sex. 

Removing the stigma

“Women have, unfortunately, the short end of the stick when it comes to stereotypes about women's sexuality,” says Jacqueline. She compares: “Whereas if it comes to men, it's almost sometimes celebrated, you know, like, what's your body count? [...] When it comes to women's sexuality, they shouldn't be judged for it. They shouldn't feel too embarrassed about that as well. And definitely, a woman's worth is not to be skewed down to just what her sexual activities are.”

Meryl adds that stigma was part of why she started a sexual wellness brand, which began with Zoom chats and Instagram pages established during lockdown, and now organises events all over Singapore on sex education. 

“Basically all the things I wish I had more access to in terms of sex education and that sisterhood, I didn't have that kind of environment growing up. In the sense of having the support, having friends that I can talk to about sex,” says Meryl about the difficulty on discussing sex that she seeks to dispel.

“The climate is changing in Singapore, where younger people are speaking up and having podcasts and events and celebrating empowerment,” notes Martha. “So I feel like all these voices make a difference to the climate, which gives permission for other people to start to realise that, hey, yeah, you know, I should be able to talk to my friends about it.”

The orgasm gap

Despite these changes in culture, the lack of understanding of women's pleasure is still stark. One sign of that: the orgasm gap.

“The orgasm gap is the disparity [in] sexual satisfaction between mostly heterosexual men and women,” explains Jacqueline.

It’s supported by surveys: a review of 20 surveys found that typically 30 to 60 percent of women report reaching orgasm during sex in contrast to 70 to 100 percent of men. 

A 2014 study by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that heterosexual men orgasmed 86% of the time – compared to 61% of heterosexual women.

Crucially, lesbian women reported having orgasmed 75% of the time during sex, suggesting that there are non-anatomical factors at play.

“From the point of view of a sexologist who works with heterosexual couples,” says Martha. “A lot of people with penises [...] are very concerned about their erection and their sexual performance. So they are worried that if [sex] goes on for a long time, they will lose that erection. And so they're rushing. This is one of the big reasons for today's orgasm gap because most women [...] need more time for sexual arousal.”

This focus on sexual performance can also inhibit intimacy. “When people are concerned about premature ejaculation, erectile difficulties, and when they are concerned about their performance, they are not present with their partner,” notes Martha. “So this also affects the quality of the session.”

The effects of pornography

Pornography is often a performance with a script: “Usually the female tends to orgasm first, then the guy comes, and then that's the whole concept of Sex 101,” notes Meryl. 

The prevalence of pornography can mean many people learn from it and develop a belief that the purpose of sex is to orgasm. Meryl recounts: “When I first started having sex, there was a bit of a pressure from my partner would ask me, ‘Hey, have you come?’”

“You don't have to feel that pressure,” affirms Meryl. There are days when she might think, “I really don't feel like it. But I still want to have sex. I want to have intimacy. But orgasm is not what I choose because I enjoy that journey.”

“Porn is usually by men for men and ends with ejaculation,” notes Martha. ”They don't probably understand that the connection still needs to continue after ejaculation.”

Prioritising pleasure

“I don't see penetration as the only form of sex,” says Martha. “It’s unfortunate that a lot of people tend to do that. Men are very penis-centric [and think], if I cannot ‘stand’ then I cannot have sex. But sex is so much more than that. There's kissing, there's the fingers, there's sex toys, which doesn't focus on penetration at all.”

“It should be spoken about a lot more that women also deserve to own their pleasure,” says Meryl. “As women, how well do we know our own body? How can I expect a man to pleasure me if I don't even know my own body parts?”

The vaginismus epidemic

“In the first two years of my practice, I already had 250 clients with Vaginismus and/or unconsummated marriage, and it has been the number one issue people come to me for,” says Martha. 

Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina – making penetration difficult or impossible.

She makes a point about how acute this problem is in Asia. “Compared to my supervisor in the US with 20 years of experience who only met with two – in 20 years.”

It’s not just anecdotal – KKH’s Sexual Health Clinic alone saw 100 new cases of vaginismus in 2020. 

It isn’t the only reason for women having low sex drives in Singapore, with studies stating nearly 60% of Singapore women have low sexual function. Martha suggests some more reasons: “[It] could be also linked to the orgasm gap. The power dynamics, the pressure to perform all the time, and just not having a partner who really understands their sexual style. The lack of sex education and conversations. A lot of people do not know how to give pleasure to their partner, and so it can happen because they don't know what they are doing. They are causing trauma and pain to their partner. And so that causes them, after repetition, to believe [...] this is how it's supposed to be.”

That said, this doesn’t have to be the status quo. “This is the reason why people go for

sexual healing and counselling and therapy,” says Martha. “But it does take effort to reverse what is already embodied into your body.”

Choosing intimacy 

At the end of the day, sex isn’t just a tool for orgasms and pleasure, it can help to build a connection and intimacy with your partner.

“We talk a lot about orgasms and we acknowledge that it feels good,” shares Jacqueline. “ It's a heightened sensation, but it's not the end goal when it comes to sex. The more you try to achieve it per se, the more it feels like it will be further away.”

What solutions are there? Martha suggests, “If you want more babies, if you want more marriages, start with sex education. That's kind of what's happening with all these “good girls and good boys”, they park aside their sexuality and then they get into a relationship and get married and have a lot of sex problems because they don't understand their own bodies.”

“Intimacy is more than just the physical aspect,” says Jacqueline. “There's so much intrinsic value in terms of building trust, from communication, from being vulnerable. With intimacy, it can help to enhance a whole more holistic experience. Because when you experience that level of intimacy weaved into it naturally, when you trust someone, you're more likely to be more relaxed, right?”

Martha agrees. “The ability to receive pleasure has a lot more to do with body image and self-love and expression. It also has to do a lot with the comfort and safety one feels with their partner as well as their ability to surrender and let go to receive.”

Transcription and article: Saw Yone Yone