How To Build A Singaporean Woman: Tell Her She's Perfect

“How To Build A Singaporean Woman” is a Her World original docuseries which highlights the social and cultural issues that women in Singapore face, and asks: what does it mean to be a Singaporean woman today? In this episode, “Tell Her She’s Perfect”, actress, writer and producer Victoria Loke and entrepreneur Suhana Ab share their experiences with the pressures women face in maintaining an impression of perfection.

The perfect body

As a recognisable actress (she played Fiona Tung-Cheng in Crazy Rich Asians), Victoria Loke is no stranger to scrutinising eyes. 

“In the entertainment industry, when you walk into a room, it feels like you're walking into a butcher shop. It's like no holds barred because they feel entitled to commenting about all those things because you are a commodity.”

This isn’t isolated to public-facing glamorous industries, as Victoria adds. “Even if you're not in the entertainment industry, [women] experience this to a certain extent: people feel entitled to comment on the way you look or how you choose to dress.”

This reality is reflected by the data. A Milieu Insight study found that 1 in 6 Singaporean adults are at risk of suffering anxiety over body image – the most heavily affected demographic were women aged 16 to 24.

That said, those from older age groups are subject to similar pressures as well. 

Suhana Ab discusses new mothers facing criticism over appearances: “I really don't know why when women give birth, their weight and how they look always becomes the topic.”

These comments said in passing aren’t innocuous.  “As a new mum who's vulnerable with all these new feelings, and physically she's recovering, to hear a passing comment like, ‘Oh, you haven't lost weight!’ I think it can impact them more than it should.”

The impact of these pressures

Women inevitably respond to these pressures. 

“When women become mothers, they become very vulnerable,” explains Suhana. “[There's] a lot going on: emotional changes, our body changes, hormonal [...] changes. So when these comments get thrown at you, you're not sure how to react. And then most times, you just internalise it.”

“Maybe you complain to your husband or you cry. I'm sure there are a lot of women who cry behind closed doors because of a ‘harmless’ comment.”

That criticism can also be self-directed. “I think the hyper-critical nature of women towards their own bodies [...] comes from a place of seeking validation from external sources,” says Victoria.

“I always go on about how we are perfect already, because if you don't have that internal validation for yourself, all that external validation becomes hollow,” she reflects. “Unless you have that internal sense of self-worth [...], it's never going to change. You’re constantly going to be self-critical, and then feel the need to expose yourself online [...] to receive that validation.”

The perfect mother

These pressures aren’t limited to body image – they extend into the roles many women take on. 

Being a mother is one such role. Suhana discusses often seeing the romanticisation of motherhood, though she acknowledges the flip side. “In [romanticising motherhood], I find that a lot of people also hide the pain that goes behind having a new child, [like] the sleepless nights.”

Suhana has responded to these curated perfect social media profiles. “I post very real-life situations when my youngest is rolling on the floor in a public place. I tend to overshare a bit of the unglamorous bits.” 

“I do get messages like, ‘Oh, thank you for sharing the real side of motherhood’.”

The perfect role

An experienced actress, Victoria played a range of roles. “I think there is an impulse to fit women into these boxes or archetypes because of fear. There’s the fear of what a fully empowered woman looks like, or what a fully self-possessed woman looks like, and so rather than acknowledging the fullness of their humanity and [...] personality, it's easier to just turn them into cardboard cutouts of [...] this girl next door or this temptress or this mother figure.”

Even if your family understands your different priorities as you age, the same can’t always be said for the larger society. What’s pushed in entertainment is based on what consumers in mainstream society want: “In terms of being an actor, of course, there is still this pervasive mindset that we come with an expiry date, and that once you age out of this ‘attractive woman’ bracket then you're [...] done for, you only play mum roles.” 

Can women really have it all?

There are plenty of pressures women face to be ‘perfect’ in all aspects of their lives.

“There's nothing wrong with wanting [...] more. I think it encourages you to progress [...], but you also have to be realistic: What can you do? What are the things [inhibiting you] at that point in time?” asks Suhana. “You can have it all, but not everything at the same time.”

Victoria adds, “You are encouraged to [...] pursue better goals for yourself, but then after a while it becomes like, ‘Oh, if you don't get this, then somehow you're not worthy of love and compassion and kindness’.”

These pressures create a paradigm that both Victoria and Suhana agree is unsustainable.

“The idea of perfection is to be able to juggle everything in my life all at once, but I can’t. I find it difficult to admit or accept sometimes, but that's how it is. If I want something, something else has got to give,” Suhana affirms.

Victoria wants women to break free from these pressures. “It's about time that women have the opportunity to be whatever they want to be [...] and not have to feel the need to fit themselves into certain archetypes in order to achieve representation.”

Transcription and article: Saw Yone Yone