The Loneliness Epidemic: Why is it so hard to make (and keep) friends as an adult?

Think back to how easy it was to make friends when you were a child. You became friends with schoolmates if you had shared interests or lived near each other. Sometimes even if you just had the same pencil box! Perhaps your best friend was your parents' friend's child or even a neighbour?

It was fun making friends throughout your school years. It might have been trickier once you joined the working world as it can be hard to navigate between being colleagues and friends. But you probably bonded with some people in your office or perhaps even in your industry.

Now, as you're getting older, it's tougher to expand your social circle. People might be in different stages of their lives or have settled with their longtime friends and aren't interested in hanging out with new ones. 

You're not alone, though. Research has shown that our friends start decreasing in our 20s, peaking around the age of 25. From the age of 45, your number of friends stabilises, decreasing again a decade later. It's clear that we need friends in our life as they make us happy (occasional friend drama optional). Unlike our parents or neighbours, friends are the people in our lives we actually can choose. 

Navigating through 21st century problems 

We are also increasingly communicating online, via social media or messaging apps, making the idea of 'having friends' different than before, where we sometimes consider our online connections as our friends – some of whom we might not have ever met in person. 

The pandemic has also changed the way we work, with hybrid working conditions making it more difficult to socialise at the workplace. Joanna*, 32, used to enjoy her after-work get-togethers with her colleagues as she considers herself shy and finds it hard to make friends. This networking outlet is now not as frequent for her as she only goes to the office twice a week.

“I have two really good friends at my workplace and we usually caught a movie together once a week or grabbed dinner after work,” she says. “We hardly saw each other on weekends as we have our own lives then. Now that we only go to the office on two days, we maybe grab a quick coffee sometimes but we've become used to being home that the need to socialise isn't there as much.

“They are both married but I'm single so I do feel lonelier now but find it hard to go out there and make new friends,” she adds. “I was happy before the pandemic with my twice-a-week get-togethers with these colleagues but this hardly happens now.”

Changing priorities in our lives

Making friends as we get older also depends a lot on how well you can connect with others. Besides, we could have other priorities in life apart from new friendships.

“I find it harder to connect with people as I grow older and new social interactions feel more superficial now,” Crystal*, 35, admits. “So I'd say I have more acquaintances than friends. I don't consciously try to make friends and, as a new mum juggling a career, making friends isn't my top priority. I'm just too tired. 

“Most of my close friends are from my younger days, because we figured life out together,” she adds. “Nowadays I don't have the time or patience to work out if a person is trustworthy, going to be a good friend, have my back etc so that's prob why it's harder to make friends?”

Trust issues could be a hindrance to making new friends as we are generally more careful or even jaded as we get older. Jing*, 40, admits she's guarded as she had her fair share of betrayals and disappointments. 

“I am no longer my 20-year-old self who wants a big party. I seek comfort in the friends who fit like an old t-shirt. No fuss, no frills,” she explains. “I am older and more outspoken. Able to articulate the things that don’t bring me joy and walk away without the fear of missing out.. friends included." 

“So, making new friends? Because I know what I want in a friend, I make quick decisions to cut out those who don’t fit my mould,” she adds. 

Getting older could also mean you're not in sync with friends who are in different stages of their lives. Nina*, 38, doesn't have children, while most of her friends are parents. She's been trying to expand her social circle but finds it hard to click with women her age.

“Most women around my age have kids and want to talk about their children or do activities that involve their children,” she says. “They also have busy lives so, in my experience, don't have room for new friends who don't have the same interests as them. 

“I tried joining a yoga class and a cooking course and thought perhaps I could make a new friend or two. But while I got along well with some of them while engaged in the activity, the relationship never went any further as they either have busy mum lives or are much younger than me and don't have the same interests.”

Finding your new BFF online

When online dating app Bumble started Bumble BFF in 2016, it gave people in Singapore another avenue to make friends. Just like the company's Bumble Date, Bumble BFF is geo-located. So, once users download the app and set up a profile, they can start connecting with other people in their area that are looking to make new friends and build platonic connections too. 

“At Bumble, we believe firmly that social connection plays a vital role in the human experience, and that strong relationships are key to a happy and healthy life,” says Lucille McCart, the company's APAC communications director. “In the current climate, it is easy to feel isolated, so Bumble BFF is an easy way to meet like-minded people who are all there with a shared purpose of wanting to connect.”

She reveals that the Bumble BFF community is made up of people aged 18 and above. And that the company is “really pleased with the community that is being built on Bumble BFF”. At the end of 2021, the company shared that almost 15% of total Bumble users were on BFF, up from 10% the year before. And it was announced in February that in Q4 2022, there was 26% year-on-year growth in monthly active users on BFF. 

Lucille thinks there are many reasons why people might want to make new friends and one of the most common reasons is that people find themselves in a transitional phase of life, such as when they are starting university or a new job, and they don’t have the same social structures around them that make it easy to make new friends. 

“Another really common reason is people who have moved cities or countries for a job or to travel and have been separated from their friends and their community,” Lucille explains. “There are other reasons too – maybe their friends have settled down and they haven’t or maybe they have developed new interests or hobbies that their friends don’t share. 

“Or sometimes friendships drift apart and we find ourselves craving new connections. None of these scenarios are a reflection on the person but they are all great reasons to try out BFF and meet some new people,” she adds. 

Lucille advises that if you’re feeling awkward or daunted about making friends, reframe things. Try and set aside any internalised judgement you are putting on yourself about looking for new friends online. 

“If you have used dating apps before, a lot of the same advice follows – for example, uploading at least four photos that show you doing things that you enjoy,” she says. 

She lists these tips to find your new bestie online: 

• Mention your mutual interests: A great friendship is often built around enjoying the things you love together, so take a look at their profile and see if there’s anything you have in common that can spark the conversation. Read through their Interest Badges to see if they match any of yours and don’t forget to check the bottom of their profile to see if they’ve connected their Spotify account. Nothing bonds people like shared taste in music!
• See if your lives align: On Bumble BFF, you can choose up to three Badges related to milestones (think: new parent, house hunting, new to town, getting a degree, discovering their gender identity). Are you both in the same era?
• Suggest an IRL activity: Once you feel comfortable that you want to meet your new friend in person, an activity such as a pottery class or a paint-and-sip session can help you bond in a low-pressure environment where you get to do something fun at the same time.

Her World recommends the following tips for making friends as an adult:

1. Join a volunteer group – if you have an interest in helping others, you can indulge in this good deed as well as meet like-minded people whom you might form a friendship with.
2. Have an open mind – don't judge quickly. When you meet someone new, give them some time before you decide if you want to be friends. Not everyone clicks instantly so give it time to allow the friendship to grow. 
3. Ask for help – ask your friends if they have friends to recommend. Making friends via people you already know is easier as they've already been 'vetted' by your friends so you're not starting from scratch. If you find it awkward to ask, find innovative ways to do this, such as throwing a party and telling your friends they have to bring along a female friend you've never met. It's a fun party idea and could get you new friends too.
4. Just like dating, don't overthink it – the more you think 'I need new friends', the more stressful it'll be for you whenever you meet new people. Let it happen organically, instead of putting pressure on yourself and every new person you meet.
5. Stay in your 'hood – you might not have to go far. Go for a walk in a park near your home or attend events in your neighbourhood. Your new BFF might just be living around the corner. 

*not her real name