Is it offensive to give too little in a wedding ang bao?

Would brides and grooms really bear a grudge over an ang bao?

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“Those who give a “below market” rate are more likely to avoid writing their name on the envelope,” half-jokes Chloe*, 34, who has been married for over five years and attended more than her fair share of weddings. “If you do so, just be prepared that the situation might happen in reverse when you get married.”

More drastically, a netizen made headlines for complaining on Facebook group KL娱乐站 that their cousin’s wedding cost RM2,200 (SGD670) per table but many guests only gave RM150 (SGD40) to RM180 (SGD55), and that if guests cannot afford to give RM300 (SGD91), they shouldn’t attend. This drew ire from other netizens who criticised that weddings aren’t a business transaction.

Surely, it is self-entitled to expect guests to “cover cost”?

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Arguably, if covering cost is so important, wedding invites should come with a price tag. “Who plans a party with a plan to earn back the party budget?” says Hayley, 27, who’s engaged and planning her own wedding. “Even though there are a set of rules I follow regarding ang bao money as a guest, like paying a base of $160 to $180 if the venue is a fancier restaurant or hotel then add on about $30 to $50 if I’m closer to the couple, it’s really just something I do to make it easier for myself. I definitely don’t think there should be a standardized procedure for it. Attending a wedding should be all about making good memories!”

“I had an intimate wedding reception with about 100 guests, so I was okay with people coming without ang bao because I just wanted to treat them during the special occasion,” recalls Kayce, 36, about her own wedding. “To me, a wedding reception is more of a formality and I didn’t want to shell out a lot of money to do it so receiving ang baos that would help me cover the cost was much appreciated though I didn’t feel the need to “earn” from my guests. What’s the point of “earning” money from friends and family?”

“It can’t be helped if guests give you a small amount but it depends on the objective of the wedding reception – whether it’s to treat people and invite them to celebrate with you, or if you’re holding it as a formality because your parents or in-laws want it,” adds Kayce.

Ang baos are a way to show that you care

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Over half respondents in AsiaOne’s poll of 836 Singapore-based users on the topic of wedding ang bao rates said they decided on ang bao rates based on relationships. This triumphed over the importance of venue cost and personal financial status. While 64 per cent of the respondents said they do adhere to the “market rate” for wedding ang baos, 13.9 per cent would wrap an amount that is below market rate.

If you can’t afford it, just don’t go, some might argue. But what if you genuinely want to be there for your friend’s momentous occasion? Like if the wedding requires you to travel, so you have flight and accommodation costs to think about on top of the usual ang bao.

“I believe guests should give within their means. I’m understanding towards friends who have financial constraints but if someone gives me an ang bao that doesn’t cover their seat at the table, despite being well-to-do – splurging on luxury items, I admit that I’ll be disappointed,” says bride-to-be Sophia*, 30. It’s not about wanting to “earn” from having a wedding ceremony but about respect. “I can only invite a limited number of guests. If someone’s ang bao is significantly less than the cost of their seat even though he or she has a great capacity to afford it, I might question if they value our friendship.”

Spend within your means

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Spending within your means goes both ways: for the guests and the party hosts (aka the bride and groom). Weddings are joyous occasions – a chance to celebrate the union of two individuals and their families, surrounded by loved ones. Chances are, the guests themselves played a part in touching your lives in one way or another – whether it’s that colleague-turned-friend or your bestie from JC days. Finances shouldn’t be a burden or get in the way of that joy.

For brides and grooms and families, it’s a happy occasion but maybe we should retire the notion that the bigger, the better. If you can afford it, that’s great. But it’s not so cool expecting friends and family to give a large sum in the ang bao, just because you want to have a lavish wedding at an expensive venue, which is beyond your personal financial comfort zone. The rise in cost of living (read: inflation is real, GST is at 8%) is stressful enough and we don’t need additional stress in our lives for the sake of “saving face”.

*Names have been changed.