Loving in slow motion: The beauty of intentional dating

I first started dating actively in the wake of the pandemic. After months of being cooped up, it was time to do the exact opposite, with the dating equivalent of revenge travelling. I spent most of my free time on dating apps, curiously swiping right on anyone I found remotely interesting.

Following a match, the steps were simple. Firstly, determine that we had common topics; secondly, make sure they’re not creepy; finally, arrange a date. Rise and repeat for the next person till someone stuck around. A couple years later, and this cycle runs itself on autopilot.

Valerie Tang, a 29-year-old engineer, does the same. “When I’m bored, I start swiping mindlessly, then I end up juggling too many [dates] at one go. The most I’ve been on was five dates, five days in a row, with five different people.”

However, this results in “half-assing” her dates, and, due to fatigue, hitting pause on dating altogether until boredom kicks in and she swipes mindlessly again once more. Sounds familiar?

Dating out of boredom to fill your time can be fun, but it can also lead to burnout if we’re constantly experiencing unrewarding and short-lived interactions, on top of being overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices we have on the apps.

Is there a better way to date?

Not too long ago, I stumbled upon the concept of intentional dating, or the idea that we should be mindful in taking our time to find someone whose needs and desires match ours. What does that entail? 

“To have intention, you need clarity. That could be a few things: Why are you dating? What do you want the experience to be like? Are you even ready to date in the first place? Having some, some basic criteria, what I call the deal breakers, will be quite important,” shares Andrea Tan, founder of The Athena Rising, a sex and relationships coaching and consulting practice.

Dating with intentions isn’t just an introspective process. For Ambra Liew, a relationships and breakup coach, intentional dating also means “intentionally communicating what it is that you want. A lot of [my clients] say, ‘I keep ending up with emotionally unavailable men.’ I’d counter with, ‘okay, have you expressed to them what it is that you are desiring?”

This process of determining whether your goals align isn’t as simple as completing a checklist – it’s a continuous process. “Intentional dating means seeing and talking regularly enough with someone to determine long-term compatibility. Someone's most consistent self is them at their truest and I value the trust that builds with consistency,” says Gen Lee, a 25-year-old content strategist. In a way, Lee’s process is about, in her words, “finding people whose lives I can add value to and vice versa.” 

Tunnel vision, impatience and the dangers of being unintentional

There are occasions where well-intentioned intentions – cheesy pun fully intended– can backfire. One such occasion is when we develop a rigid and uncompromising attitude, which leads to a sort of tunnel vision that shuts out potentially meaningful and long lasting connections. 

“We get very hung up with a lot of the mechanics,” says Tan, “and we try to control things that are actually entirely beyond our control.” This manifests in milestone goals that aim to determine how to move forward (or not) with a potential love interest. 

A friend recently told me that if things aren’t feeling “right” by the third date – or around the month-long mark – it’s a sign to move on to the next match. That sounded like an overly prescriptive way of going about a process that’s usually unpredictable. After all, aren’t the best connections those that have the time and space to grow organically and spontaneously?

Dating can be a flavourful and exciting journey

This is where Liew’s advice to her clients to consider the “flavour of the date”, or what they want their dating experience to feel like, can come in handy to make the dating experience more meaningful. 

“A lot of people are scared to have the element of fun [in dating], because they're scared to ‘waste time’. What if we allow ourselves to have fun, be curious and still bear certain things in mind at the back of our heads?” Liew shares.

Tan concurs, advising us to “get less intentional about stuff [like height and income], and more intentional about how you want the relationship to be and how you want to feel in the dating process.”

With these insights in mind, perhaps it’s due time for us to slow things down. We don’t have to end up meeting and going on dates with every single person we match with just because we can. 

What’s crucial to a more fruitful dating life is sitting down with ourselves to be clear on our intentions and how we can honour them, while remaining open to the many beautiful opportunities that lie ahead.