We’re in Squirrel Hill, PA at Phil’s uncle’s house. After leaving Dayton Ohio last night directly after the show we drove four-ish hours to Pittsburgh so we can get a head start on the drive to Philly today. I just made a turkey and ham wrap and had a banana and now I’m listening to the Band and typing this. I’d like to take a run after computer time. Tis a good day.

So where did I leave off?

Ah yes we were on our way to Atlanta. We finally pulled up and busted out to get some food after finding virtually no one at the venue. Stopped by some pizza place that had pasta. I killed my spinach ravioli before anyone was halfway done. I eat like Kobayashi compared to these guys. I have no idea why. Afterwards I got a hot dog. My goal is to weigh 190 after this tour is over and have a speaking voice like Tom Waits.

The Atlanta show was pretty cool despite the chuggy death metal bands on the bill. It was in a practice space that was probably about 1000 sq. ft. and it was BYOB. I’ve been dressing in leather pants, black cowboy boots, a mullet wig and aviator sunglasses while selling merch to be a little more conspicuous. This getup caught the attention of a buxom (200 lb) girl in a strapless black dress. Said I looked like Jim Morrison. She offered us her apartment to crash later that night. Said she was a massage therapist. It all seemed perfect until she got drunk, yelled about how she’s tried heroin twice, exclaimed how she quit doing speed four years ago and then grabbed the guitarist from the last band and shoved him in her car and took him home.

Lucky for us there was a dude with an original Hulkamania foam’n'mesh hat who let us crash at his place and play Mike Tyson’s Punch Out on NES. Off to Chattanooga.

I’ve been a fan of Tennessee since the first tour I was on in 2003. Hendersonville and Nashville have always been a great time. Chattanooga… not so much. We got there early and the venue was locked. We got some BBQ and I once again killed my pulled pork dinner in two minutes while the other guys took forever with their rib plates. I was sniffing around for leftovers while they ate slowly. I got some fried okra out of Anthony the bass player. Wasn’t enough. The waitress offered dessert. I got banana pudding. Stupid. They gave me an Army issue steel pot helmet full of manila goo with nilla wafers in it. I ate it. I wanted to die.

The venue was still closed after dinner so we headed up the street where lo and behold there was a beer store, a bar and a venue in one shabby building. The boys picked up another show for the night and good thing too. The first show went well and the second original show they booked was terrible. We hung out at the bar and played bumper pool and listened to Skynyrd. The second show was at a lame bar with a lamer band and the only thing that made it cool was when a dude around my height, with no shirt on and a mullet wig strolled in and started rocking. Of course everyone started staring at both of us, me in my painted on leathers and DOOSH written across my stomach in sharpie, he with his doughy arms flailing and gravity-defying cigarette dangling perpetually. We started getting photo requests and the posing began. As we stood shoulder to shoulder he leaned in and said in a thick Southern accent “I lahk yer style, dude.” I smiled and barked “I like yours too, man. I like yours too.”

His name was Barbecue. He and I were separated at birth begrudgingly by our parents. You see mom loved both Barbecue and I equally, but dad working nights at the sock factory just wasn’t enough to feed twin boys. They had to put Barbecue up for adoption. With tears in their eyes they put him in an exhaust manifold from a 1972 Dodge Dart and sent him down the Mississippi river. They never told me of my twin. They never thought that our paths would meet 27 years later at a crappy bar show in Chattanooga, TN.

I’m not bitter, mom and dad. I’m just glad I found my twin brother.

God damn I have to get the camera hooked up so you can see some photos. I’ll be back. I’m serious about this Barbecue kid. He exists.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 13th, 2008 at 11:54 am and is filed under Uncategorized.