Not just about sex: Experts reveal the true meaning of intimacy

True intimacy goes beyond the physical – it’s about building a deep emotional connection. How can we strengthen our bonds, and do men and women experience intimacy differently? In this three-part series, we ask experts and couples to share their insights.

In the debut episode of Sex and the City (SATC) in 1998, Samantha Jones proclaimed that women should “have sex like a man – without feelings”. This declaration came from an observation that for successful single women, modern dating rarely led to meaningful relationships, which was ultimately little more than a pipe dream.

More than 20 years since that iconic scene aired, a 2024 Ipsos survey found that only three out of five Singaporeans (both men and women), or 62 per cent of those surveyed, were satisfied with their romantic or sex lives.

In a 2020 study by the National University of Singapore, married women aged 25-29 had sex an average of 3.7 times per month, which dropped to 2.6 times for those aged 30-34. The 657 women surveyed said they would ideally like to double this frequency.

This writer can’t help but wonder: What was truly lacking in their relationships? And, to borrow a line from SATC’s Carrie Bradshaw – has Cupid truly flown the coop, even for those coupled up?

Identifying needs and expectations

Andrea Tan, Bumble’s local relationship expert and founder of Athena Rising, suggests that a disconnect between a couple’s individual understanding of intimacy is likely to contribute to the dissatisfaction over time.

“For instance, one partner may prioritise emotional intimacy through deep conversations and vulnerability, while the other may primarily associate intimacy with physical affection and shared activities. These differing perspectives can create friction and a sense of unmet needs,” she says.

Needs that one could try and communicate to their partner – except they might not know what they want, according to Dr Oberdan Marianetti, founder and lead therapist at Dr OM & Associates. It’s a common challenge his clients face, adds the specialist in sex and relationship therapy.

“These clients are often highly successful in their professional lives, yet struggle to find deeper meaning and purpose. They frequently can’t answer the simple question, ‘What do you need right now?’”

Other factors at play could include misunderstandings between interracial or intercultural relationships, or conflicting expectations due to personal experiences ranging from family dynamics to cultural norms.

“Past experiences, such as traumatic events or relationship failures, can also create deep-seated fears of abandonment and rejection. Additionally, vulnerability, trust and openness are essential ingredients for intimacy, but they can be challenging to cultivate, particularly for those with insecure attachment styles developed in early childhood.

“These attachment styles can significantly impact an individual’s confidence and ability to form and maintain intimate connections,” explains Andrea.

What women (and men) want

There’s also the question that has spawned countless self-help books and Reddit forums: Do men and women view intimacy differently? Well, that depends on whom you ask. The concept of intimacy is often narrowly defined as sexual, says Dr Marianetti, who views it as the act of being open and authentic with oneself or another person.

“I define intimacy as the choice to be sufficiently vulnerable with someone – whether with ourselves or others – enough to risk being hurt.

“Many people are comfortable sharing personal information, sometimes even with complete strangers, but they do so without actually being vulnerable or taking any real risk,” he adds.

Andrea believes there are a few differences in what men and women seek. While men and women may engage in sex with the desire to fulfil emotional and physical needs, their perspectives on intimacy – including its definition and how it is achieved – can vary.

“Intimacy encompasses a much wider range of emotional, psychological and relational connections, of which sex is just one possible manifestation. For some men, emotional intimacy can be intertwined with physical intimacy, with meaningful physical connection deepening emotional bonds.

“In contrast, for many women, establishing emotional intimacy (along with other layers of connection) often goes beyond physical intimacy, as they place importance on the trust and security that allows for greater physical closeness,” she says.

Time does not necessarily make the heart grow fonder either – the depth of one’s connection fluctuates depending on the effort invested in sustaining and growing the relationship.

“In the beginning, there is often a deliberate effort to share and reveal ourselves to our partner, giving them the opportunity to truly know us. As time passes and we learn the fundamental aspects of who our partner is, that conscious effort often diminishes,” says Dr Marianetti.

“However, being together for a long time and consciously nurturing intimacy, is more likely to build the healthy relationship we desire.”

The true meaning of being intimate

Andrea Tan, Bumble’s local relationship expert and founder of Athena Rising, elaborates.

“To me, intimacy encompasses the multifaceted closeness between two individuals in a relationship,” says Andrea. This generally involves three key elements:

CONNECTION The quality and nature of the individuals’ interactions with each other. This includes communication styles, shared experiences and emotional resonance between them.

ACCESS The degree of personal space and vulnerability each individual grants the other. Intimate relationships often involve a special level of access, allowing for deeper emotional sharing and a sense of belonging.

DEPTH The layers of closeness that develop between individuals. This includes emotional intimacy (sharing feelings and vulnerabilities), intellectual intimacy (engaging in meaningful conversations and shared interests), spiritual intimacy (connecting on a deeper, more profound level), physical intimacy (touch, affection and physical closeness), and sexual intimacy.  

Why do some people fear intimacy?

Dr Oberdan Marianetti, founder and lead therapist at Dr OM & Associates, shares his thoughts.

“Being intimate involves opening up and sharing parts of ourselves that are delicate and fragile – parts that would cause great pain if attacked or harmed. After all, as adults, we have all faced situations where we were vulnerable with a friend, family member, or partner, only to discover later that our trust was misused,” says Dr Marianetti.

“Another reason people fear intimacy is that the deep parts of ourselves that we are reluctant to reveal often hold truths we struggle to admit – truths we may feel afraid or ashamed of. In such cases, it can be helpful to turn to a trusted friend, mentor, therapist or community leader to explore these truths and learn to accept them,” he adds, emphasising that building trust and fostering a genuine connection are “essential for creating a satisfying and nurturing experience”. 

Look out for the second part of this three-part series, where a couple share their struggles with intimacy after moving in together for the first time.

PHOTOGRAPHY LAWRENCE TEO
ART DIRECTION ADELINE ENG
COORDINATION CHELSIA TAN