Therapy is helping my partner and I overcome our toxic relationship

There’s no denying that most of us can be blind to the signs of emotional abuse – especially when it’s happening to us. 

For my relationship with Max*, it started when he would get upset and say the most outrageous, hurtful things, like “Why are you always finding fault with me”, “I never wanted this relationship”, and even “I hate you”, when just the night before, our texts would have been full of the usual goodnights and cute stickers. 

I've been seeing him since 2018. As most relationships go, it was great at first. We were even thinking of marriage as we were in our early 30s and everyone around us was getting hitched. 

I knew he had already been seeing a therapist for a few years before we met and I didn’t probe too much into it.

However, I slowly started to realise that he seemed to have a lot of unresolved issues. 

Whenever disagreements arose, he would get unreasonably angry, way more than the situation warranted. 

Is it me who's the problem?

This pattern kept repeating itself and I found I was questioning myself. Was I to blame? Was I not accommodating enough? Could I compromise more? 

I started believing that my tendency to be vocal and direct could sometimes come across as accusatory or angry, and that I was to blame for his over-the-top reactions. In my acknowledgement that I was far from perfect, I also started second-guessing myself: Maybe it’s me, and I am triggering those reactions. 

I found myself having to watch what I was saying and question whether I was in the wrong, or what I did to set him off. I also felt like I needed to watch how I spoke to him to ensure that I didn’t make it sound like he did something wrong, for fear of triggering him. 

There was also a lot of guilt tripping and public breakdowns on his part. He would storm off if we had an argument in public. If we were behind closed doors, he would get so angry that he would hit himself on his head with a water bottle. 

He never hit me and there was never any physical altercation. 

I continued to make excuses for him too: His job was stressful, he didn’t mean the hurtful things he said, he was just like a child lashing out in anger. 

Most people would have called it quits already but, to me, it felt like we had to work through our differences, communicate better and make compromises, as you would in any relationship. While a part of me knew that his behaviour tended to the extreme, I just suppressed my anxiety. 

Besides, after the episodes would blow over, he would be back to his regular self and even made thoughtful gestures like planning a surprise meal for my birthday, almost like he wasn't verbally lashing out at me a couple of days ago. 

It was in mid-2023 when the outbursts became so frequent that we decided to see his therapist together. 

She immediately called it for what it was - abuse. Despite it not being physical, emotional abuse was still abuse. 

I remember being in denial. All along, I'd consider myself to be a pretty strong person, and I would stand my ground when we fought. How could I be a victim of abuse? 

When I told her that I never felt I was in danger because I practise boxing and muay thai, her response shook me: “The fact that you thought that a scenario where you’d have to defend yourself already speaks volumes.”

Hearing those words from the therapist stunned him too. Head held in his hands, he croaked out an expletive and apologised to me. From what I gather, he had anger management issues that stemmed from unresolved issues in his childhood and subsequent depression.

On some level, he knew that the way he behaved towards me was wrong although he was not able to control his reactions. Having the therapist identify the situation as abuse put things in perspective for us. Not only did it stop me from blaming myself, it also made him want to change and signalled the start of our journey toward healing. 

Acceptance and making peace

It’s still a work in progress but there are positive changes. Although the occasional argument still happens, we've been doing fairly well in calming things down before they escalated further. There is mutual agreement that neither of us want a repeat of previous patterns and he has also become more self aware. When he finds himself getting riled up, he would pause and ask for time alone to calm down. 

While I may have chosen the path of forgiveness, at the back of my mind, I’m now aware of how to look out for signs of emotional abuse. If anything happens, I know how to stand up for myself and am ready to call it quits at any time. It helps that I'm comfortable with the idea of being alone, so that makes me more amenable to calling the relationship off if he lapses.

*Name has been changed for privacy

Disclaimer: This opinion piece is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.