Should you interfere if you feel your friend is messing up her life?

Trigger Warning: Topics on domestic violence, sexual assault and physical abuse

Friendships are so important in life. In fact, research has shown that people who have close friends tend to be more satisfied with their lives and are at a lower risk of depression. Friendships benefit our physical health too – our risks of heart problems and chronic diseases are lowered when we are surrounded by healthy friendships. 

However, friendships aren’t always smooth sailing. Many of us go through ups and downs and could be faced with situations where we don’t agree with what our friends are doing. So what happens when you have a friend who is on the path of messing up her life? You could be facing a minefield that’s tricky to navigate.

Being supportive is a crucial part of friendships, but this might not be possible when your friend is doing something you don’t agree with. Jolene* found herself in this situation when her friend of two years started dating a guy who was highly toxic and abusive, which also stretched to physical abuse.   

“It was particularly hard to sit with her and listen to detailed counts of abuse, particularly having gone through abuse and sexual assault myself in my early twenties. It felt like I was reliving my own trauma,” she recalls. 

For Sophie*, the breakdown in a 17-year friendship came when her friend didn’t want to leave a job she was miserable in for years. As a former recruiter, Sophie spent a lot of time advising her friend to be proactive with her job search. She even saw the tell-tale signs which showed the possibility of redundancy, which was the eventual outcome for her friend. 

“I didn’t see why she wanted to be miserable in her job as she lamented about it for years. My guess is that maybe she revels in wallowing in her own misery instead of helping herself out of the situation,” she says. 

“We talked about several options and opportunities post-termination but all my suggestions were met with disdain where she accused me of downplaying her efforts. This was also after a few of our mutual friends offered recommendations within their network,” she adds. 

The evolving nature of friendships

It’s not unusual to disagree with how your friend is living her life or where she’s headed. Natalie Games, a clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, says that this doesn’t mean you can’t be friends anymore – it’s possible to remain close if you are open to evolving the nature of your friendship. This may involve redefining how you support each other and finding new ways to connect and understand each other’s journeys. 

“Respecting each other’s new choices and directions is vital,” she states. “Support involves acknowledging that your friend’s goals and aspirations may have changed and that this shift does not diminish your bond but rather evolves it.”

Natalie advises to stay engaged and make efforts to understand how your friend’s new goals fit into their life story. This ongoing engagement helps sustain the connection despite changes. 

You might not agree with the way they are living their life. However, there are healthy ways to show your friend you respect their decisions, even if you would never choose that path for yourself. 

Natalie suggests five ways you can do this:  

• Show empathy and actively listen to understand their perspective.
• Communicate openly and honestly while respecting their autonomy.
• Offer encouragement and support for their choices.
• Respect their authenticity and maintain emotional connection.
• Adapt your interactions and celebrate their growth.

“Be mindful to navigate disagreements thoughtfully by addressing them with care and sensitivity, focusing on understanding rather than persuading – this helps in managing conflicts in a constructive manner,” she adds. “These approaches help maintain a respectful and supportive friendship, even when navigating differences in life decisions.”

Your mental health is important too

It might also be hard to decide when you should offer advice or support, as opposed to when you should leave it to them to do whatever they want in their life. If your friend is making decisions that aren’t good for her, when should you step in and when do you choose to let go? 

Jolene admits that she didn’t want to pull away from her friend, because she was aware that she was one of the few people her friend had confided her relationship situation to.

“My workaround was to not ask her about the relationship itself, but instead choosing to ask questions centred around her, how she feels or how she is looking out for herself,” she says. “We’re still friends, but at a distance. I’ve not always been there to respond when I don’t have capacity to safeguard my own emotional wellbeing. 

“I like to think she does not resent me for it and have echoed to her that no matter what she decides, my love and compassion for her does not change,” she adds. “Though spending time with her alone now is challenging, as her partner remains controlling and I’d rather not be in the same room as him.”

Natalie acknowledges that setting boundaries in situations where a friend might be making decisions that you believe are detrimental to their life can be challenging. She recommends focusing on understanding and communicating your boundaries clearly, offering support without enabling, and respecting your friend’s autonomy. Step back when needed to protect your own well-being.

“Balance emotional support with personal detachment (boundaries), encourage your friend’s growth, whilst providing constructive feedback, and recognise when to let go to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic,” she says. “Respect their agency while offering your support.”

She stresses the importance of ensuring that your involvement does not compromise the balance of the friendship or your own emotional health. If you need to set boundaries, communicate them clearly and respectfully. For example, say something like, “I need to take a step back from this situation for my own well-being but I’m here for you if you need to talk”. 

“If appropriate, encourage them to seek professional help or resources. Suggesting therapy or counselling can be a way to support their well-being without taking on the role of a problem-solver,” she adds.

When should you step back?

Even if you are well-meaning in the way you approach a serious chat with your friend, there’s a high chance they’ll push back and tell you to mind your own business or even blow up and get extremely angry with you. It is, firstly, important for you to acknowledge their discomfort. Natalie says it’s helpful to embrace your own vulnerability in these interactions. You should be open to the discomfort and approach the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen.

She shares the following tips on how you can communicate with empathy: 

• Use ‘I’ statements: Frame your feedback using ‘I’ statements to express your concerns without sounding accusatory. For example, “I’m worried about how this decision might impact you because…” This approach helps minimise defensiveness.
• Listen actively: Give your friend space to express their perspective and feelings. Active listening shows respect for their viewpoint and helps you understand their reaction better.
• Honour their choices: Recognise that your friend has the right to make their own decisions, even if they don’t align with your advice. Respecting their autonomy is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. Try to understand their reasoning and the factors influencing their decisions. This exploration can lead to a more empathetic dialogue and help you offer more relevant support.
• Set healthy boundaries: For example, you should know when to step back – if you encounter persistent pushback and the conversation becomes unproductive, it may be helpful to step back. “Let them know you are there for support but respect their decision-making process,” says Natalie.

You should also be clear about your role as a friend rather than a problem-solver. So offer support and advice when asked but understand when to withdraw to preserve the relationship.

Recognise the limits of your influence and concentrate on the shared values and aspects of the relationship that remain strong as this focus helps maintain a positive relationship despite disagreements.

And, when having these conversations with your friend about where their life is headed, focus on connection to strengthen the relationship. 

“Use these interactions as opportunities to strengthen your relationship. Reinforce your support and care for them, regardless of disagreements, to maintain a strong and positive connection,” says Natalie.

Although Sophie spoke with her friend about her job situation, it didn’t sit well with her friend and the friendship slowly deteriorated. She reveals that they’re still on talking terms but have very minimal contact. 

“What hurts me the most is her not trusting my advice which comes from a place of experience from my past career as a recruiter and, more importantly, as a close friend. She would rather trust other sources,” Sophie shares.

“However, I’ve learnt to understand that sometimes, you can’t impose your principles and standards on your friends and family. The reality is that they need to go through the journey of hardship and realisation on their own,” she adds. “It’s a tough pill to swallow as I want the best for my loved ones but people will show up in their own ways and you have to hold space for that.”

*not their real names