Sleep divorce or modern love? Why sleeping separately might not be bad for your relationship

Like other married millennials, my friend Sue’s* morning routine involves her doom scrolling the minute she wakes up (she is a millennial, after all), washing up, and then entering the kitchen for breakfast.

But this is where hers might differ from most: her husband Derrick* emerges from a room opposite hers to do the same.

Sue’s situation, which repeats only on weekdays, isn’t based on a The Real Housewives plot — she’s just a wife who wants to get some sleep. Derrick is what we would call a “fintech bro”. One who sometimes works in a different timezone where he analyses numbers, trades currency, and thumps his chest in testosterone-filled frustration (or so I’d assume). In short, he goes to bed at odd hours and snores profusely at his worst.

Snoring, or as Sue calls it, a sound “like an elephant getting run over by a truck”, is just one of the many reasons couples opt to sleep separately. According to Doctor Alex Tham, an ENT specialist and Head and Neck Surgeon Asian Healthcare Specialist (AHS) at Doctor Anywhere, it is one of the most common disturbances, followed by other ways our body betrays us like restless movements, sleep talking, sleepwalking, and using electronic devices (maybe… this one is on us).

“Loud snoring can be due to factors such as sleeping posture or alcohol use”, quotes Doctor Julian Lim, Co-Founder and Lead Sleep Psychologist of Somnus Sleep Wellness, who adds that other bad sleep habits he sees from his clients stem from anxiety around good sleep. “This can lead to high levels of “sleep effort”—“trying” to fall asleep rather than letting it occur naturally” and in the worst cases he has seen, can turn into chaotic sleep patterns where one takes long naps during the day followed by an inability to sleep at night.

There is logic, too, when it comes to the classic “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” quote in context to catching the z’s. Both doctors agree that sleeping patterns across genders are generally the same, but women may experience more sleep disturbances like hormone fluctuation-induced insomnia, whereas men are often susceptible to conditions like Obstructive Sleep Apnea, a condition where repeated interruptions in breathing stem from airway blockage.

Sue has tried everything on Derrick to allow him back in bed, from a cooling-and-heating blanket (of which I have gladly inherited) to white-noise machines and even a “sleepy-girl mocktail” concocted using magnesium, cherry juice, and sparkling water, but none have worked. One defeat she refuses to admit, however, is society’s stigma that suggests she’s not in a secure relationship because Derrick and her sleep separately.

“At The Relationship Room, we’ve encountered couples who sleep in separate rooms. Sleeping in separate rooms can be stigmatised because societal norms often equate shared physical space with marital success,” says Ms Theresa Pong, Founder & Counselling Director of The Relationship Room. Adding on that this stigma impacts both men and women equally and “can result in both partners feeling inadequate in the relationship”.

But on the flip side, it can also work as a practical solution to different sleep needs, especially since the health of a relationship isn’t where each person sleeps but the emotional connection they share. A solution that Doctor Lim also agrees with as it can lead to improvements in sleep quality, which has the effect of improving mental and emotional well-being. However, if the physical separation becomes symbolic of emotional distance, according to Pong, “It is crucial to address the underlying disconnect and prioritise rebuilding emotional security.”

Sue also does not believe that there’s any underlying resentment towards Derrick. Instead, she believes that most people sleep together for reasons similar to why some prefer reading print media or dressing up for dinner: tradition.

And she is one of the lucky ones. In response to the possibilities of deep-seated resentments, Pong believes that “surface-level complaints such as snoring can often be potential triggers” — such as emotional disconnection, unmet needs, or being emotionally unsafe — whenever Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is conducted at The Relationship Room. 

Established in the ‘80s, EFCT leverages the security of partner connection as the best method of change in a dysfunctional relationship, as it believes that it is a catalyst for both a couple’s and their individual growth. As explained by Pong, it “helps couples identify and re-structure these negative interaction cycles,” which, in turn, fosters emotional security, which allows them a safe space to address issues such as sleeping habits.

If that sounds like the cliché “to be love is to be changed” to you, then you’re correct and perhaps underplaying the positive effect of the phrase.

An EFCT session entails a counsellor helping a couple to recognise the emotional cues and triggers that create distance before they guide them in expressing their unmet needs more openly and empathetically. According to Pong, restoring and strengthening an emotional connection often makes sleeping arrangements less contentious, as it helps couples feel ‘more secure and attuned to one another.

While most couples still see the sacks appeal of sleeping together, those who wish to sleep separately can consider laying out some expectations first (though Pong suggests seeking help from a marriage or couples counsellor if a discussion leads to blame or defensiveness). For example, Doctor Lim recommends open communication where couples can mutually agree that two solo nights a week is an ideal compromise. As for Sue’s case, she says that doing it only over the weekdays has improved “both their moods, made them more empathetic towards each other, and has kept things sexually interesting” as they are more spontaneous over where to do the dirty.

If self-isolation, however, doesn’t seem like a solution, both Doctor Alex and Lim suggest bringing some good sleep hygiene habits to bed first. Guess what’s on both their list? Maintaining a consistent sleep schedule.

Other good habits to cultivate are, limiting screen time before bed, refraining from napping in the day, practising mindfulness and deep breathing, and even avoiding intense workouts close to bedtime. And more importantly, don’t bring your anxieties to bed with you. “Quality sleep is subjective, and how you feel in the morning is also important as some people hit all the “metrics” and still feel tired and groggy during the day”, quotes Doctor Lim, adding that there’s no magical formula for achieving it.

“It’s also important to realise that one can never “ensure” good sleep 100% of the time, and accept that some nights may be worse than others.” so good night and good luck to your partner and you when it finally comes to being free of sleep-deprived crankiness. 

*Name has been changed for confidentiality.