Emotional labour — the invisible work that women do that rarely gets acknowledged

The load of running a household

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This 'invisible work' that women do is known as 'emotional labour'. It's the unpaid work we do to ensure a household runs well and that everyone in the home is taken care of. The concept of emotional labour was first coined to explain what people have to do in their jobs.

Ms Mok Sin Lai, psychotherapist at Relationship Matters, explains: “Emotional labour was a term originally used to explain how workers needed to regulate their emotions when dealing with customers in the 1980s. Coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, Ph.D., the concept can now be applied to all types of relationships, not just professional ones.

“In the area of relationships, emotional labour has been widely used to describe how women shoulder the load of running the household and keeping on top of chores,” she adds.

It often falls on the woman in the relationship to carry the burden of emotional labour. However much we want domestic duties to be distributed equally, this is, unfortunately, not the case for most of us.

Stella*, 35, admits she does most of the housework and that it has always been this way, without any discussions when she and her husband got married.

“My husband is very chilled and can't really be bothered to do housework,” she says. “I think it's expected that I do the housework also because I guess it's the traditional role of a woman. My mother did housework and his mother also does housework and our fathers don't.”

When she's too busy with work, she doesn't do much housework but her husband doesn't do it either. He also doesn't mind if she lets it be, as long as the house isn't too dirty and he has ironed clothes to wear to work.

“We don't have children so honestly it's not very taxing,” adds the marketing manager. “It's just the two of us and we eat out most of the time or my mother-in-law brings food over. So it never really gets too much that I can't handle it. And I'm the fussy one, so I will become uncomfortable before he gets uncomfortable.”

Julia*, 38, and her husband don't have kids either and she does almost all of the cooking and cleaning. The sales director doesn't mind it as her husband takes care of all the DIY jobs around the house. Plus, both of them aren't fussy with food so meals are simple and they do get a takeaway every now and then too.

However, for some couples, it can get overwhelming if one party is taking on the burden of emotional labour all by themselves. And, you know that you're doing too much and that it's not balanced in the relationship “when you constantly feel unappreciated and a lack of support and understanding from your partner,” says Sin Lai.

This can manifest in resentment towards your partner. And this is regardless of whether they're genuinely unconcerned that you're doing too much or if they take on many household chores too. If it comes to this, Sin Lai advises to talk about it.

“Have an honest and gentle conversation with your partner so that resentment will not continue to build up,” she says. “It will be good to speak to him early before you end up being triggered by a small thing and erupting disproportionately. Erupting in anger might cause more hurt to yourself and the relationship.”

Communicating domestic labour imbalances

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Ideally, a discussion about the division of domestic labour should take place before you start living together with your partner. Yes, it's terribly unromantic and definitely isn't something you'll see in a chick flick. But it's a realistic way to approach being partners in a household. And if you didn't do this before getting hitched, it's never too late to start now.

“If there is pre-existing healthy communication in the relationship, the best way to rectify any imbalances in domestic labour is to list down all the chores and the person doing the task most of the time,” says Sin Lai. “Discuss the list with your partner and express your concern due of the imbalances. It will be ideal if the discussion can be done even before getting married, so that the couple enters into marriage/partnership with a clear understanding of each other’s expectation with regards to the roles and responsibilities.”

If there is already a communication breakdown in your relationship, there might be resentment whether or not there was an agreement on one’s responsibilities. Sin Lai cites some examples of things that could be said in this situation – 'you said you would do this before we got married and you are not doing it’ or ‘I regret agreeing to doing this chore’ or ‘I am trying my best, what more do you want?’.

“This is because it is usually not the fairness in the chores that one seeks but the care and appreciation from one’s partner and having equal respect and say in the relationship,” she shares. “Therefore, if it is a communication issue, maybe the best way to rectify it is to seek professional counselling.”

Tips to ease the burden

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As with many things in relationships, communication is key here. And showing each other you care is important too. Sin Lai has the following tips on how we can ease this burden of emotional labour:

When talking to your partner about the imbalances in emotional labour, focus on sharing your feelings and not make it sound like you are blaming your partner.
Show appreciation first, if possible, for what your partner has been doing for you and the relationship. Or you can try stating what you observe your partner is doing out of his good intentions, even though it may not help you.
Give some space and time for your partner to also share his point of view and try to listen first.
Address your partner’s concerns and share your concerns.
Decide another date and time where both of you will review this topic as it will likely take more than one sharing session to be resolved.
While your partner tries to take on some of the chores, try to be encouraging by giving words of affirmation so that he knows that the work done is being appreciated.
Cultivate a culture of showing appreciation to one another. This will strengthen the relationship as emotional labour may never be fully equal.

*not their real names