Are you in a situationship? Here's what you need to know

Caution: Uncertainty Ahead

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This territory comes with some danger: One person’s feelings might develop at a different pace from the other.

This was exactly what happened to me. I was in a situationship for almost three years. While we had expressed our feelings for one another, he still couldn’t commit to a relationship because of his past experiences. We were stuck in limbo for a while before he asked me to be his girlfriend. However, after a year of being officially together, things were still not working out, and we eventually fell back to being in a toxic situationship before it fizzled out.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from my previous experience when it comes to situationships, it’s that it’s incredibly important to set boundaries so you can manage each other’s expectations.

Sure, going with the flow might be an easy way of navigating a situationship, but I’ve learnt the hard way that most of us tend to lose sight of what we’re looking for as individuals.

In my case, it was comforting to always have someone there to come home to, but at the end of the day, our goals didn’t align, and we had a lot to work to do on ourselves before we could even make our relationship work.

Andrea Tan, Bumble’s sex, love and intimacy expert, explains: “If both people aren’t on the same page, the relationship can become confusing, and may lead to one or both people getting hurt due to mismatched expectations and things left unsaid. What stops many from moving out of situationships is the fear of rejection or vulnerability. Perhaps, they do not have the tools needed to engage in conversations about what each party wants out of a relationship, and ultimately from each other.”

Dr Tan adds: “When you are sure that a situationship is a good fit for you, make sure that the person you’re dating feels the same way. Set expectations upfront: from your preference around regular communications and date schedules, to whether you’ll be seeing other people and how to navigate that. Situationships at their best can be empowering, and offer more autonomy and flexibility, but misunderstandings occur when the expectation isn’t clear.”

How to have a healthy, mutually agreed-upon situationship?

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Situationships can be tricky to navigate, but with communication and honesty, it can be a healthy way to meet intimate needs with someone you like.

First and foremost, you should always establish boundaries with your partner. Dr Tan says: “It would be good to have a mutually agreed upon timeline for how long the situationship stage should last, before re-evaluating whether you should enter an official relationship – for example, three or six months.”

What you want to avoid is to have a situationship “with no clear direction, which could potentially build resentment in one or both parties”. However, if you do not want the set-up between you to develop into something serious, make sure you communicate that clearly.

Another important thing you should do when it comes to managing a situationship is to check in regularly with your partner. “Ensure that you both still feel the same way, and are comfortable with the boundaries that have been set,” Dr Tan explains.

Keeping the lines of communication open is always a good thing in any relationship. At the end of the day, whether you choose to be in a situationship, relationship, or something else, you should feel empowered to pursue the type of connection that feels right to you.

Help, I like him

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So you’re in a situationship – and you’ve started to catch feelings. Can a situationship turn into a real relationship?

Dr Tan says: “If you catch yourself getting attached and wanting something more, just say so! The worst that could happen is that they don’t feel the same way, and things end sooner than they would have otherwise.” At least you know that you gave it a shot.

So how should you have the “What are we?” conversation? It can be daunting, but it must be done.

First up, do not ask to have “the talk”, says Andrea. “There’s no way that the conversation will be constructive afterwards. If you do enjoy spending time with each other and want to see whether the other party feels the same way about engaging in a formal or committed relationship, my suggestion is to invite the other party to have an open discussion.”

You can say something along the lines of, “I really like spending time with you these past few months. I would like to be closer to you. Do you see us having an exclusive relationship with each other?”

She adds: “If you are feeling insecure or don’t know where you stand with a romantic connection, try and bring it up in conversation in a low-pressure setting. You might not find a label that works for you at that time, but what matters most is that you and your match are clear on the boundaries of your connection.”

Remember, it’s really important that you remain honest with the person. And you have to be prepared that the other person might not feel the same way.

On the flip side, if things start to go south or feelings start to change in the midst of your situationship, then you will know when it’s time to end it, especially when both parties want different things.

Ultimately, it’s imperative that you keep an open mind and take things at your own pace. If the situationship doesn’t align with what is best for you, don’t be afraid to let it go. The most important thing is that you put your own needs and boundaries first.