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Wellness | Sex & R/S

What’s your attachment style and how does it affect your relationships?

Hint: It starts with your childhood.

By Cheryl Lai-Lim - 

Credit: Getty Images
Credit: Getty Images
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Have you ever noticed repeating patterns in your love life? Perhaps you always seem to be more involved than your partner. Or maybe you have always desired to be in a relationship, but once things get emotionally intimate, you immediately back off. 

If you’re wondering why some people are aloof and unattached in their relationships while others are clingy and need constant validation, this could be due to our different attachment styles. Attachment theory was first developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s.

“The expectations formed during infancy and childhood tend to provide a template for how we view others’ ability to meet our emotional needs in the later stages of life,” explains Muhammad Haikal Jamil, a senior clinical psychologist and founder of Impossible Psychology Services.

For example, some parents, in response to their child’s separation distress, may dishonestly reassure them about their return. This fosters anxious attachment when those promises go unfulfilled. In contrast, parents who openly acknowledge and calm their child’s anxiety without resorting to deception tend to promote secure attachment. Inconsistencies in parenting, particularly when one parent is reassuring and the other dismissive, can result in disorganised attachment.

How do attachment styles affect our relationships?

Attachment styles affect multiple aspects of our romantic relationships: from how we select our partner, how we respond to threats in a relationship, and even how we end it. “Individuals with insecure attachment styles may lack trust in the ability of future partners to meet their emotional needs,” says Haikal.

An individual with an anxious attachment style might seek partners willing to invest substantial time in the relationship, potentially leading to connections with self- sacrificing or possessive partners. Conversely, someone with an avoidant attachment style may exhibit hyper-independence, feeling they don’t require emotional support. They might be drawn to emotionally closed and insensitive partners who mirror their own tendencies, potentially overlooking their own emotional needs.

Attachment styles, however, are not set in stone. Haikal notes that it’s possible to change one’s attachment style by first becoming aware of behavioural and emotional patterns in relationships.

“Changing attachment styles involves addressing self-perceptions, especially for those with insecure attachments who may believe they are unlovable or inadequate. Focusing on positive qualities and learning to express needs in a healthy way is crucial,” he says. “Acknowledging the importance of emotional needs, while being empathetic to a partner’s response is key, especially if both individuals have insecure attachment styles. Overcoming long-standing responses from insecure attachment styles may be challenging, and seeking guidance from a professional can be beneficial.”

The four attachment styles

There are four attachment styles, with each having its typical traits and characteristics. It’s important to note, however, that each person does not necessarily fit veritably into a single category. As there are only four broad categories, one might not identify with all the characteristics in their attachment style. 

The four attachment styles are anxious (also referred to as preoccupied), avoidant (also referred to as dismissive), disorganised (also referred to as fearful-avoidant), and secure. 

1. Anxious attachment styles (also referred to as preoccupied)

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Characteristics include:
– Has a strong fear of abandonment or rejection
– Thinks highly of others but suffers from low self-esteem
– Appears jealous or clingy, have a poor sense of boundaries
– Sensitive and attuned to partners’ needs, but are insecure and anxious about their own worth
– Requires constant reassurance that they are loved, worthy and good enough

Anxious attachment styles, also known as preoccupied attachment, can develop from inconsistent parenting patterns.

Those with this attachment style might have primary caregivers who alternate between being overly coddling and supportive, and being detached and indifferent. The caregivers might at times be attentive and responsive, while at other times alienating their children. This inconsistency makes it difficult for the child to predict what happens in the future due to their caregiver’s behaviour, which sends mixed signals.

Those who have anxious attachment styles might feel insecure about where they stand in a relationship, and are constantly seeking reassurance from their partners.

2. Avoidant attachment styles (also referred to as dismissive attachment)

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Characteristics include:
– Avoids relationships or emotional intimacy as a way to protect themselves from potential hurt
– Uncomfortable with expressing feelings
– Prioritises independence so much so that it limits emotional connection with others
– Have a hard time trusting others and might present as closed off or dismissive
– Might consider their partners needy if partners seek emotional closeness

Generally speaking, those with avoidant attachment styles are not alone or lonely per se. They could be social individuals with plenty of friends and sexual partners. However, these people tend to value their independence greatly, and might view relationships with emotional intimacy as uncomfortable or restrictive. They rarely rely on others for reassurance or emotional support.

Avoidant attachment develops in childhood when caregivers are misattuned to the emotional needs of the child. This does not necessarily mean that they neglect the child in general; the caregivers might be present, but immediately back off when the child reaches out for support, reassurance, or affection.

For those with avoidant attachment styles, they might struggle with taking the next step in their relationship with their partners. Emotional closeness and intimacy might often be off the table in their relationships as well, as they are unsure and can oftentimes be afraid of showing vulnerabilities.

3. Disorganised (also referred to as fearful-avoidant)

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Characteristics include:
– Craves love and intimacy but fears hurt and rejection
– Afraid to let people in and doesn’t trust easily
– Worries that even those closest to them might hurt them
– Finds it challenging when it comes to dealing with emotions
– Can be unpredictable and contradictory in relationships

Disorganised attachment can develop as a result of childhood trauma, abuse and neglect. It typically develops when the primary caregivers or parents are a source of fear when they should be a source of safety. The child desires to be close to their parents, but rejects them as they inherently know that it isn’t safe.

Those with disorganised attachment styles fear intimacy, similar to individuals with avoidant attachment styles. The main difference however, is that those with disorganised attachment desire relationships. They do not reject emotional intimacy; they are simply afraid of it.

These adults anticipate rejection, disappointment, and hurt as they perceive these inevitable. They might wrestle with their ability to express emotions in a positive manner and might struggle with taking the next step in their relationship with their partners.

4. Secure

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Characteristics include:
– Able to communicate openly and honestly in their relationships
– Understands there’s a mutual love and trust in their partnership
– Emotionally available and able to regulate emotions and seek emotional support
– Knows how to balance closeness and independence in a healthy way
– Able to manage conflict

The three attachment styles covered so far are insecure styles, characterised by the difficulties when it comes to cultivating healthy relationships. In contrast, those with a secure attachment style are comfortable expressing their emotions openly, which typically lead to healthier relationships overall.

Those with secure attachment styles typically grew up with caregivers that are able to consistently respond to their needs as a child whilst allowing them room for exploration. As a child, they felt safe, comforted and valued. This sense of security allows the child to explore, discover, succeed, and fail, which develops a healthier sense of self.

Additionally, those with secure attachment styles are likely to have caregivers that showcase a template for what a secure relationship looks like, and thus they typically have the ability to replicate it in their relationships.

How to take the quiz

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The point of identifying your attachment styles is to identify unhealthy behaviours that you might have when it comes to relationships and expressing your emotions. This also allows you to understand what you might need to work on in order to improve your love life.

Curious to know which style you are? You can take the quiz here to discover your attachment styles.

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attachment stylelovepsychologyrelationships
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